[Private for b i z a r r e briefs & B3N3V0L3NTxF4iiRY___xo]

[B3N3V0L3NTxF4iiRY___xo]

don't post on this
because we're radder than you

[b i z a r r e briefs]

L0V3 L3TT3RS!

profile one

s e e . m e ?
love
”for the life of me, i cannot remember, what made us think that we were wise and we’d never compromise.”
The Freshmen

t h e . b a s i c s

t h e y n a m e d m e evan.giovanni.finnian.gabriel.laodire
b u t y o u c a n c a l l m e evan.fin
i a m eighteen y e a r s y o u n g
i ’ m g e t t i n g o l d e r o n january.17.1989
i u s e t h e little.princes b a t h r o o m
b u t t h ebrave.knights t i c k l e m y p i c k l e
y e a h , i ’ m a.happy.child
i t m a k e s m e i t c h y american.cheese.and.mold]
i f o r g o t t o m e n t i o n . . . i.like.to.spoil.people

p i c t u r e s . c a n ' t . s h o w . t h i s

i d o n ’ t d y e m y h a i r ! platinum.blonde
m y e y e s a r e p r e t t y grey.blue
i a m t a l l six.feet
g u e s s m y w e i g h t ? one.hundred.fourty.pounds
i h a v e h o l e s i n m e twice.in.each.ear.plus.sex.lines
l o o k i e h e r e !on.lower.abdomen.“so this is my life and i want you to know that i am both happy and sad and i'm still trying to figure out how that could be”.

i . l o v e . a n d . i . h a t e

I l o v e
• chocolate
• books
• writing
• swimming
• reading
• singing
• dancing
• patterns
• bright colors
• carbohydrates
• shoes
• playing piano
• rain
• sharpies
• notebooks
• boys
• sweatpants
• boxers
• my hair
• painting
• art
• bass
• getting paint on myself
• canvas
• sucking face
• kisses, hugs, cuddling, and sex
• dress up
k e e p . i t . a w a y
• soup from a can
• dogs
• sadness
• loudness
• craziness, unless it’s adorable
• math
• milk
• any kind of fish
• homophobes
• bitchy girls
• nasty water
• star trek
• mac and cheese
• eggs
• ice cold showers
• laundry
• cleaning
• paprika

i . d a n c e . t o
• death cab for cutie
• the postal service
• sublime
• the violent fems
• blink - 182
• reel big fish
• misfits
• the horror pops
• bad brains
• mad sin
• - old - tiger army
• green day
• ramones
• nirvana
• a fine frenzy
• nickleback
• three days grace
• third eye blind
• cute is what we aim for
• backstreet boys
• nysyc
• kelly clarkson
• fergie
• timberland
• sean paul
• trapt
• the matches
• a class act
• goodbye elliot
• trouble in paridise
• s**t outta luck
e e k !
• dogs
• rats
• fires

[B3N3V0L3NTxF4iiRY___xo]

L0V3 L3TT3RS!

profile two

aren't i pretty?

handle with care, i am all but broken.
i am merely hanging on every words you say
overcoming tragedy, but nothing that is obvious, nothing that you're noticing.
can you tell what you're doing to me?
my heart's so fragile; you're so careless.
if my heart turns to glass, will you break me?
and if my heart turns to glass...
go ahead and break me.
because i know this heart is going to last
even through all this heartbreak, go ahead and break me.
Fear is the heart of love.
The Coldest Heart

and everyone knows...

they named me Ian Alexandre Remington Hauk
but everyone calls me Ian, Alex, Remi, or Tick.
i am 17 years wise
mama popped me out on September Third
the doctor said I have a one-eyed monster. rawr.
and i peek in the handsome gents' locker room
which makes me happily happy.
i need my epipen for dairy, bees, and seafood.
it's kinda important I hate being touched, in any way, shape, or form. I don’t mind touching other people, but when they try to touch me, I freak.

don't trust pictures, the camera adds ten pounds

it's oh-so natural Blonde
no contacts included Blue
i'm like a giraffe 5’8”
but i am not an elephant 124 lbs.
no metal-detectors, please Just my new snakebites.
marked and scarred I have tons of scars, from something I don’t want to talk about. And I have a freckle just in my hairline that looks like a tick.

the good and the bad

gimmegimme
Chocolate Soy Milk
Chinese Takeout
Quiet
Dr. Richardson
Blankets
Old Radio Shows
Playing With hair
The Original Fairy Tales (Before Disney made them happy)
My MP3 Player
Dr. Richardson’s Wife, and Son
Being in love
Trustworthy People
Kissing (If I love you a lot.)
My Room
Soft Pillows
Good Hair Days
How Clean is Your House?
Whose Line is it Anyway?
Drawing
Writing
Reading
Learning
Plants
Sunshine
Non-Dairy Pudding
omg, take it
My Dad
My Brother
Dogs
Seafood
Dairy
People
Touching
Hugging
Cloudy Days
Thunderstorms
Loud Noises
Annoying Voices
Dark
Cramped Spaces
Cold
Outdoors
Nurses
Other People in the Crazy Ward
turn it up!
The Radiance Effect
HelloGoodbye
Cute is What We Aim For
Paramore
Anberlin
Mae
Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Underoath
The Almost
Norma Jean
Haste The Day
Scary Kids Scaring Kids
The Classic Crime
Showbread
Anberlin
This Runs Through
Chasing Victory
Forever The Sickest Kids
Metro Station
Powerspace
This Runs Through
Sullivan
And an unlistable number of others.
eek!
Being Touched
People I Don’t Know
Dogs
Lightning
Loud Noises

[b i z a r r e briefs]

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e---v---a---n ;

Evan sat at his desk a paper in front of him. It was a thick piece of cream paper which he would write his best friend Alex on. He would stick it in his box and send it away. He had so much he wanted to tell him. He had gotten to know him so well over the last year and the more and more they talked the more it felt like he was falling in love with Alex. Alex was so nice to him and he could just listen. Even though Evan had almost everything you could want there was pressure from every side it felt like Alex was his only release. He wanted to one day hold Alex, and he wanted to feel what it was like to be with him. Though he didn’t know what Alex looked like or if he was even into guys he was amazing and Evan found him to be the best person to talk to. They wrote each other every week, and every month Evan sent a care package, and the maid always persuaded him to get him sweats while she made him huge knitted blankets. The maid was another person he could talk to. She didn’t judge, and she was supportive of him thinking of himself to be gay. She was happy and kind and had been around since he was born. She saw his parents get married. She was here through everything. She had a soul of on angel. She would help him immensely, and as he picked up his pen and began to write in his elegant handwriting all he could think of was Alex.


Dear Alex,


So, you know how my mother was sick before and she had just gotten better, well she is sick again. She had a stroke. Thankfully I wasn’t there. I don’t handle physical pain well. I don’t handle any type of pain well actually. So we are up at the vineyard and my mother is in the Doctor and Nurses wing of the house. It smells like a hospital and looks like one only it has this obnoxious stink of richness mixed in. It doesn’t know how it is but the handmade smell that was reeking form there. It is only to cover up the bleach smell. My dad has taken back to working so I stay with my mother though the nurses can handle and so I paint nonstop. I don’t know what I would do without these letters. They seem like one of the best things in my life. You don’t judge, you just take it in and I really appreciate that.

I mean it when I write that. I have had a lot of time too think lately. Mostly about life and my future, which I never find to be a fun subject, But that’s beside the point. I was thinking and it just feels like you’re my only connection to the real world, the world where if the people had lots of money they would donate it. I think that having a simpler life wouldn’t be bad, though you don’t love it much and I can’t say that if I was in your position I would like it much either. I really wish you could see what it is like to be up here. To see the endless space, and the many people that work here. I don’t known any of their names, so I’ve decided once I inherit all of this, I’m going to learn all of there names. I’m going to donate to the poor and I’m still going to work. Whether it’s at my dads job or in a café that I own. I want to do something that I choose. But until my father passes, I’m stuck here. I’ll have to work at the company. Everyone says to me, “All the doors are open for you Evan, and if they are shut, we can bring them open,” but it seems like their pulling me one way. Sorry I feel like I’m whining.

Well other than my mother getting sick nothing much has changed. I had a girlfriend, who right now claims to be pregnant, even though we had sex about five months ago and she would have begun to show. They start showing at three months. You know who I am talking about right? Her names Blair, I was in love with her for a while. What I’ve figured out though is that I didn’t ever like her for her looks, though she is gorgeous. I only like her personality, and only a small portion. I didn’t like that she had a million emotions. She was so whiny and clingy. So I dumped her. I don’t really think I even like girls anymore. This isn’t a recent thing, it’s been around for a while. It all started when I was at the wild party. You know the Marini bash that took place about three months ago, well I hookuped with this guy and it was really amazing. I mean we were both totally sober, he gave me his number and I’ve called him a few times. We did the same thing. It was more than I had ever felt with any girl though I didn’t really like him for who he was. That over now though. At least with him it is.

I just remembered, last time you sent me a letter you told me to read, The Perks of Being a Wallflower and to send it to you. It was an amazing book. It was just so amazingly interesting and it held so many emotions, I think you’ll love it. It was about a boy named Charlie. You’ll find him to be brilliantly smart, naïve, depressed, happy, confused, hurt, and holding a pain he doesn’t even know he had. It told of so many things and it all happened in on year. In one year so many things happened and It was all amazing to me. So I’m sending it along and some fudge that I swore to give you. I’m also sending to you a few pictures of the winery. I want you to feel what it’s like to be here. If I could have you here, and If you could be here you would be here already. I wasn’t sure about the last few things I’m sending you. I sent you some of my writing. I know you write, but I wanted you to read it since everyone else thinks its just s useless thing that will take me nowhere. I thought you’d appreciate it more anyways. Finally the maid made me send another sweater and a pair of sweats, their blue this time instead of green, gray, black, white , and teal. She seems fond of you. She knitted another blanket. I have no idea where she gets all this spare time but she says that you need it more than anyone. I don’t really get what she means but I do in a way. I hope you like it.

Also its summer and I hope you having fun. I mean I just got out of school last week. I’m going to be a senior next year, as weird as that sounds. I really don’t know though it seems like life is going so much faster now and if you don’t move with it you’ll get so lost you won’t be able to move at all. I like those days when you thought an hour was about the longest thing in the world and that you had so much time. Now It seems that an hour is so short it’s like a blink of your eye and half the days passed. I want to live life to the fullest. One day I hope I’ll be able to do that.

Always,

Evan

P.S, I made sure the fudge was lactose, and was only made with soymilk. I hope they still taste good though when I tried them I couldn’t really taste the difference. I almost forgot, that I put in a book of fairytales I found around the house. You seemed to like those so much. I thought I’d get more use there than it does here. Have fun. write Back.

[B3N3V0L3NTxF4iiRY___xo]

{} -- { ii4N-4L3X4NDR3 R3MiiNGT0N H4UK } -- {}

Ian-Alexandre sat on the window seat in his hospital room, staring at the paper on his lap with a smile. He’d already read the letter three times, and he’d been smiling the entire time. It was one of the few things that could actually make him smile. All it took was Dr. Richardson saying that he had a new letter from Evan, and he lit up like a light bulb. He tried to tell himself he just loved Evan like anyone loves their best friend, but he’d been doubting that lately. And despite how he felt, he still hadn’t told Evan why he was in the hospital. Well, technically it wasn’t the hospital, but it was close enough. He’d been there for a year, and he wasn’t even allowed to go outside. Which was a good thing, since being around people scared him. Just the thought of someone touching him scared him. Dr. Richardson said he could leave soon, though. It took him aa moment, but he forced his attention back to the letter he was writing.


Dear Evan,

I’m sorry about your mother, and I wish there was something I could do to help. My mother died from a stroke when I was really little. I don’t remember if I ever mentioned it, and if I didn’t, then now you know. I’ve actually grown used to the smell of the hospital, living in one an all, but I still can’t stand it. It smells too much like disinfectant and bleach. At least my room actually looks like a proper bedroom, and doesn’t smell quite as much as the rest of the hospital. Moving from the main building into this one is probably why it smells less, though. And I can honestly say I don’t know what I’d do without these letters, either. This will probably sound very cheesy, but you’re my best friend. My only real friend, actually. As much as I hated public school, and people for that matter, I actually miss it. There I at least had someone to talk to every day who wasn’t a doctor. Not that Dr. Richardson is bad, or anything. He’s the greatest.

I guess before I start actually replying to your letter, I better get my news out of the way. Dr. Richardson said that I was ready to leave, and to move in with him and his family. He said that I seem to be more receptive to people, and less scared around them. I actually shook the doctor’s hand without freak freaking out. I don’t think I ever told you why I’m here, and I guess now would be as good a time as any to tell you. When I was six my mom died, and my dad hired a babysitter to watch me while he was at work. She was nice the first couple of weeks, and then three weeks in, she got really weird, and started hitting me, and all that stuff. A week after she started doing that, my older brother caught her, and called the cops. I started to hate being touched then. Then, when I was fifteen, my dad caught me with my boyfriend, and flipped. He locked me in my room, and basically forgot about me. He still fed me, and stuff, but he basically ignored me. My brother came home from college a little over a year ago, and asked dad why I never came out, and when he found out he had a hey-day, or something. There was lots of banging, and then he came in and raped me, then killed my dad, stabbed me, and then killed himself. I went to the hospital the next day, when my neighbor found me, and that’s how I got here. Please, don’t pity me, or anything like that, because that was in the past. It’s over now, and I try not to think about it.

Anyway, back to my good news. Dr. Richardson said that I can leave soon, and that he and his wife want to adopt me. He says that Mrs. Richardson already loves me, and has a room ready and everything. Ryan, his son, said that my room was bigger than his. Speaking of Ryan, you remember the mp3 player he gave me last Christmas? I forgot it was in my hoodie, and washed it. So Dr. Richardson bought me an actual iPod. It’s one of the big ones, I forgot how much space it has.

About your girlfriend, even though I guess she’s technically your ex-girlfriend, she was probably cheating on you, and got knocked up, and so she doesn’t look like a slut she’s saying that the kid’s yours. If she even is pregnant. And if she’s not, then she was just trying to get you to commit in a sneaky, under-handed way. Girl’s aren’t worth it, that’s for sure. Then again, I wouldn’t really know, since I haven’t had a girlfriend. But from what I’ve seen with Ryan, and the nurses, and such, they’re a total waste of time. And in a weird way, I kinda already assumed about the whole liking guys more thing. I’m just amazing at telling that stuff, I guess.

Thank you for sending the book, and the fudge. Sorry if there’s any smudges on this letter, but I’ve been eating the fudge while I write. It’s really good. Although Dr. Richardson nearly got sick when he tried it. He doesn’t like soy milk very much. I think he’s crazy, but since I’ve never had real milk, I wouldn’t know how much better it is. I’ve stuck the pictures of the winery up on the bulletin board, right next to my calendar. And since I want you to know how boring my room is, I’m sticking a picture of it in here. It’s not much, but at least the t.v. is big. I haven’t read what you wrote yet, but I’m sure it’s good. Then again, I might be just a little bit biased, what with you being my best friend and all. Don’t listen to the people who think it won’t get you anywhere, they’re usually wrong. Lame example, but Einstein’s teachers thought he was stupid, and that he’d never learn anything. Boy, were they wrong. Tell the maid thanks for the blanket, I’m using it right now. Well, it and two other ones. It’s really cold in here today, for some reason. I can always use blankets, because the blankets the hospital gives me are scratchy, and they get stolen by Ryan and Mrs. Richardson. Thank you for the sweats, I really like the color. Dr. Richardson says they match my eyes, but I think that’s just him trying to make me smile.

Summer has been good so far, except that it’s no different than spring, for me anyway. I’m still doing school, since Dr. Richardson thinks that if I try hard, I can make up for the year I missed this year, and be able to start my senior year this fall. I was thinking about going back to public school this fall, if I was finally out of the hospital, but I decided against it. There’ll be too many people there, and I’d probably end up following Ryan around just so nobody would try to come near me. If the people at school are as bad as the guy with schizophrenia (I have no clue how to spell that. I just spelled it phonetically.) down the hall, I don’t want to even think about going back. I don’t remember if I told you, but last week he came to my room again, and started screaming about how I stole his cookie at lunch. It hurt my ears.

Anyway, Dr. Richardson says I have to take a stupid nap now, so I better finish. Seriously, what kind of a seventeen-year-old takes a nap? Sometimes I think he’s a bit too over-protective.

Your Friend,

Ian-Alxandre.

P.S I stuck the first bloom off my orchid in here. It bloomed two days ago, and it was the prettiest one I’ve ever seen. I just wanted you to see it. And thank you so much for the fairy tales! My Complete Fairy Tales of the Brother's Grimm finally broke in half two days ago.

{} -- { iiS V3RY H4PPY T0D4Y } -- {}

[b i z a r r e briefs]

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e---v---a---n ;

As he sat writing the letter tears dropped lightly on it. He had read Alex’s letter five times before fully understanding what Alex meant. It was such a big deal that Alex had told him this, in the beginning he could remember when Alex shied away from talking about why he was in the hospital. He asked once and Alex’s replied simply that some bad things had happened. He understood why it had been so hard. Evans beautiful letters flowed across the page and they kept going until he was finished until he had nothing more he could think of to say. He wasn’t sure anymore, but the more time he spent hearing about Alex, the more he fell. He didn’t know it though. He thought he had imagined it all.

Dear Alex,

When I first read your letter I got so happy for you. Well not all happy at once, but it came in time. I’m just so happy that you’ll finally be able to leave the hospital, and that you’ll be part of a family. You really deserve that. At least I think you do. I think I have a right to write that down to, because you’re my best friend. I really don’t know what I’d do without you. Tell Mr. Richardson that I say ‘hi’ the next time you see him. He’s a great guy from what you describe though I’ll probably never meet him; though if I was given the chance I defiantly would. It would probably be a very interesting meeting but I think it would be worthwhile.

Now I have other thing to mention. So you said I shouldn’t pity you, well in all truth I don’t. Mostly because you told me you don’t and because I find that most people don’t want to be pitied about, they just want to move on and get over with that part of their lives, So I’m going to let you do that but I need to tell you what I thought when I was told this. I was sad. I was really sad that, that could ever happen to a person. I mean you see some pretty profound things happening to people. Don’t take it the wrong way though. I just felt sad. But then the happiness took over. So it got better. Thanks for telling me, I really appreciate it.

My mom is out of the hospital now. The released her last week, but really she was supposed to be in there for another two weeks but my father insisted that she be kept care of at home. She seems fine to me though. She seems to have more energy and she has started getting the chef to make healthy food. Thankfully I got to him before she did. So I can still eat whatever I want, except when I’m with them, then I eat healthy. My mother has also taken to walking five miles on a tread mill, she started doing crossword puzzles and Sudoku to keep her mind sharp and it’s really helping. She hangs out in the garden a lot. She has her own bed of dirt now. But it’s off to the side so it doesn’t mess up the landscaping. What’s even weirder is that my dad is fully supportive and he walks with her, he eats healthy with her and they have become all lovey dovey again. It’s really gross. They are considered really old in my mind. So it really creeps me out.

You must be pea physic. So the girl is pregnant, and as much as I want to be their just to help, I can’t, and I won’t let myself. She keeps saying its mine though. So I’m dealing with that. I mean she was a really nice girl, I don’t want to think that she slept around when we were together. I actually really did like her even if it was more from a friend perspective. Now that I think about it though, it sounds a little creepy. I guess though there is not much I can do about it now, though every time she gets me cornered, we start making out. Which I know, ew, girl, but it doesn’t really register in my mind that’s she’s more of a friend. It’s always; this is your friend from chem. lab. So that’s a little weird, but I’m working the problem, though she is only two months along. I forgot the other time. See how much I care?

I’m feeling bad though. That last paragraph was a meant one but I meant all of it. I liked your room. I really did, well other than it being in a hospital, other than that it was cool. It was very simple in its own way. I sent you a death cab poster though. It’s always fun to have them adorning your walls, I have one on mine, actually I have a few, but their pretty much some of the only posters I have up. I sketched out my drawing room for you too. It reminded me of your room, though there’s no TV. The walls are white. I also sketched this pond I found the other day. It’s out in the woods and so many birds are there. You’ll see it in the picture. There are thousands. Also I finished that one book you sent me. What was it called again, oh yeah, Pride and Prejudice. That book was really good.

Sorry you still have to take naps. I have to finish this up though because I have to get some pictures at the right light for the next few weeks, want one? I’ll be glad to head it your way, and if I see, or take and pictures of hot guys I’ll head those your way though Dr. Richardson, might just kill me.

Your Loving Friend,

Evan

P.s. Hope your exicted to. Have Fun. write Back.

[B3N3V0L3NTxF4iiRY___xo]

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Ian-Alexandre was curled up in his bed, a huge pile of blankets over him. He usually read Evan’s letters the second he got them, but he hadn’t today. He’d been too busy, for the first time. He’d felt most horrible pang of jealousy when he read the other boy’s paragraph about Blair, but he was used to that. He’d felt that pang every time Evan wrote about one of his real friends. That’s what Alex called them; Evan’s real friends. He always had, even if he knew that he was just as true a friend as all of them; if not truer. Sure, it was easier for him to be a true friend, as he had no one else he could really talk to, and to lose Evan would be like ripping his heart out. Ian-Alexandre squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, before starting on his reply.

Dear Evan,

I am so happy to finally have a family again, too. Mrs. Richardson gave us some really good news today; she’s pregnant. She’s a big lady, if you didn’t know, so you can’t really tell, even though she’s six months along. She said she would have told us (Ryan, his girlfriend, and I) sooner, but she’s had three miscarriages in the last six years, so she wanted to wait until the risk was lower. So, not only do I finally get out of this hell-hole, but I get a little brother or sister, even if they technically aren’t related to me. Dr. Richardson would love you. He’s always babbling about how these letters have changed me, and that even though he knows nothing about you, (except for the few times I needed his help when we were first writing) you must be an angel. Like I’ve said before – the man is insane when it comes to stuff like that. I really wish you could meet him. Maybe someday in the future there’ll be teleport machines, and I could just send hi to you when he starts to annoy me. He says ‘hi’ back. And Ryan was feeling left out, so he told me to tell you ‘hello’. And some other stuff, but he talked forever, and I don’t remember it all. I’m pretty sure it was mostly sarcasm.

I’m used to pity. My face was plastered all over the news and newspapers right after it happened, so I was swamped with gifts from people who supposedly cared. One lady did actually come in, while I was still unconscious, and Dr. Richardson says she prayed for me for an hour. I still find that insanely funny; I would love to have that prayer on tape. I cannot imagine what she could have said for an hour. I’m glad you don’t pity me, since there’s really nothing to pity me for, in my opinion. Sure, I can’t be touched without having a mental breakdown, but there’s at least three other people on my hallway alone that are like that.

I’m glad your mom is okay! I’m used to healthy food, so that wouldn’t bother me. And I have to say I’m jealous that she gets a garden. I have a pot of violets, and a pot of orchids, and I love them to death. I could only imagine getting an entire garden. Since I have absolutely nothing to do all day, I even planned my future garden, for when I become the crazy old plant man. Did I ever tell you that’s what I want to be? Well, it is. I’m going to be the crazy, lonely old man who talks to his sunflowers, and gives all the little girls bouquets when they ask for them. And my best friend will be the crazy cat lady next door, who Ryan decided would be his ex-wife, since he’s going to ditch his first wife for a, and I quote, ‘rich old lady, so I can get me some mo-nay’. He’s insane, I swear. He’s the one who should be forced to live in the crazy ward.

If you couldn’t tell, I haven’t had my ADD pills today, so my brain’s everywhere at once.

I hate to sound rude, or inconsiderate, or anything, but it sounds to me like you’re not completely gay. Bi, probably. But if you’re still making out with a girl on a semi-regular basis, then you’re not gay. And if she’s two months along, and you’re sure you didn’t have with her then, then it’s not yours. I don’t understand girls. If you know you didn’t sleep with someone when the baby was conceived, then they know (hopefully), and could easily figure out it’s not theirs. That happened to Ryan’s friend Cody. The girl was pregnant, and said it was is, and they hadn’t slept together in almost a year. At least, I think that’s what Ryan said. I try to ignore his friend stories. I really have no clue what else to say about that, because I’ve never dealt with it. Hell, I’ve never really dealt with anything involving other people, except depression because I’m basically the reason my dad and brother are dead. Sorry about how rude that paragraph sounded, I didn’t mean for it to, I just wrote what I thought, and since I’m using pen, it’s pretty much stuck there.

Thank you for the poster! I put it up, next to my bulletin board. And the sketch is on the bulletin board, with everything else like that you’ve sent me. I’m glad you liked Pride and Prejudice. I love Jane Austen. She was amazing. I have to say my favorite book of her’s is Emma, though.

And yes to the pictures. Especially the hot guy ones. I’m pretty much limited to Caleb, and Ryan’s quit hanging around him since he told him he was gay, (and I only saw him about once a month then, anyways). Which makes me feel really special for two reasons. One being that Caleb told me before he told Ryan, and two being that Ryan’s known I was gay since my fourth day here, (when his dad forced me to tell him why I was here, as part of the ‘healing process’) and he still comes to see me for almost three hours every day.

Anyway, speaking of Caleb, I did see him today. Dr. Richardson took me to see my new room, and the house. It’s the first time I’ve been outside in over a year, that I’ve actually been awake for. But, yeah. We saw the house, and then Ryan decided we needed to go to the mall, and Dr. Richardson let me go with them. No one tried to touch me, or gave me weird looks, or any of that stuff. Caleb did stop me from tripping once, but that was because my shoe came untied. So, yeah. I got a new shirt, and a case for my iPod. Today was awesome, and I’m really proud of myself. I only freaked out once, and that was because a little kid ran into me trying to get to her mom. I thought I’d let you know, because I’ve already told the only person I ever really talk to.

I get to start packing tomorrow, and then in two days, I’m moving in with the Richardson’s. I don’t know when the adoption will be final, but I don’t think it really matters, since I already think of them as my family.

I’ve got to stop writing now, since I’m tired, and it’s almost ten.

Love,

Ian-Alexandre Remington Hauk

P.S I forgot to tell you that Dr. Richardson wouldn’t kill you over the pictures of the hot guys. Ryan’s girlfriend smuggles me pictures from her teen magazines through him all the time, and most of them are shirtless guys, or hair-dos she thought I’d like. Oh! And do you think I should get some real stationary? Because my stupid notebook paper feels so boring compared to your fancy paper.

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[b i z a r r e briefs]

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Evan felt so absolutely happy that Alex had replied back He still wanted him to be his friend he was amazed. He had waited a day or two though thinking of what to say before sending it. Usually he sent it right away but this time he let it stay in his free time reading the letter whenever he had free time he must have read it at least fourteen times. He seemed to get Alex more and more. As he sat down to write the words just came almost naturally, they always came this way he never had to think about what he wanted to tell Alex, he could tell him anything good or bad. He washis best friend and he loved him.

Dear Alex,

You have no idea how happy I was when I got this letter. All I have been doing for the past week was shopping and pulling my life back together, trying to become normal again, trying to move on. It has been harder than I thought. Two days ago I started seeing a therapist. Her names Mrs. Hattie Jameson, but I call her Darla, because It fits her. Darla is a tall Caucasian woman, she is on the slim side and she has very pale skin. Her hair is platinum blonde, and it’s all choppy and has lots of layers. She also has a pair of the most focused attentive eyes I have ever seen. Her eyes are oddly very light sea foam green that tends to fall back into the gray category everyone and a while. Darla wears suits, she always wears on, from what I’ve seen, and she is very professional. I like her from the meeting we had. We didn’t start anything because we didn’t talk. I didn’t want to. She kept asking question I didn’t feel up to answer. I’ll have to start somewhere though. I’m not sure if you want me to tell her about you though. Would you mind? I mean I wouldn’t spill anything you don’t want anybody to know. I would only really tell her about how we met, and how important you have been.
I have also started yoga; kickboxing and I run in the mornings now. I don’t know how long it will stick though. I started yoga to keep myself calm and I haven’t yelled screamed or raised my tone in any way since I started the day after she died. It is very relaxing but its filled most with young women who think it’s great that I’m trying something new. I think you would like yoga, even if you aren’t flexible. Personally I’m not actually all that flexible. Next is Kickboxing. Now that class is just pure fun. I have loved it since my first lesson Tuesday morning. It helps keep my anger in check. I mean it was in check before but now I can make sure that it never happens again. Finally I’m running because I can clear my head, I can think about life and what I want to do. I can think about our relationship, even though its over paper. I can figure out what I want to say.

I have been trying to keep myself busy, trying to push away the guilt and keep going. I spend my mornings running, kickboxing and going to therapy. By one I’m done with all of that. Then for the rest of the afternoon until five I am painting or shopping online, but mostly art. Art has helped me express myself so much more. I have a lot of sad pictures. I’m pretending to be fine, for everyone, for you for myself and for everyone else who decides that they know me. I want to be happy and this façade is really working, I almost feel normal again, but every time the normalness says it wants to stay the guilt hits me. After the accident the guilt just faded. It was like almost nothing happened. But when I slept, everything replayed in my mind and I couldn’t believe that I was having a dream that felt so real.

I’m going to let myself fall apart now. I’m really a wreck inside. Everyone else thinks I was just having a bad day. Thank you for being there even if you couldn’t be there. I’m also so happy that you trust me, because I trust you completely. I didn’t know if you knew that. I probably trust you more than anyone. Also thanks for forgiving me even though you didn’t have to. I appreciate that also. Thanks for writing me back even though It was such a horrible person. I’m working on it. I really am. Thanks for says you’ll always forgive me. I will try my hardest to do the same because I love you too.

I’m being a good boy. I’m eating, sleeping, napping occasionally and I haven’t hurt myself. I have taken your advice and not even tried no matter how good it looked to fall down a flight of stairs. I just walked down them; I held the railing so no matter how much my mind wanted it I couldn’t. It’s hard to fight yourself it really is, because in reality you’re the only one speaking.

Ok now tell me about your room. I had no idea what color it was when I went on a online shopping spree when I got you a bunch of stuff. It should be coming in two or three big boxes. I remember when I was little and we made house out of them. It was amazing. It was so much fun to be a little kid. To be ignorant about everything like politics and death, and global warming and a job, and money. All you really needed to know them was what you wanted to be when you grew up. I hope your having a great time. I’m getting better. I look normal from the outside, but the inside will take time. I’m going to keep that memory though, I’m going to write it down so I don’t forget what I did.

Love

Evan

P.S. You make the world spin.

P.S.S. I hope that you like all the things I sent you if not we can exchange them I’ll leave a list of what everything is.

P.S.S.S.

List:

Plaid Purple and Yellow Rain boots

Flower Seeds of all sorts

Vegetable Seeds of all sorts

Flower bulbs of all sorts

Blue Leg Warmers (I don’t know why, but I really like them.)

Keith Haring buttons

Stationary

Eye Chart Tee Shirt from Urban Outfitters

An Army Jacket

A Happy Painting from me. (One with the rainbows, trees and arrows)

Drawing of my hand

Drawing of a Phone

A Pair of large no sound head phones.

A pair of gray Kill City Jeans

Patchwork hoodie

Four More signed records.

Eighteen books I have read.

[B3N3V0L3NTxF4iiRY___xo]

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Ian-Alexandre had been impatiently awaiting Evan’s next letter. He was finally out of the damned hospital, and in a room of his very own. He wanted to tell Evan all about how Dr. Richardson had saved Alex’s huge collection of signed records and concert tee’s from the seventies and eighties, and how they were now spread across two of his walls. He wanted to tell him how one entire wall was just a huge bulleting board, for him to coat in things Evan sent him, and pictures from magazines. He wanted to tell him about the huge garden Mrs. Richardson had made for him. And then Dr. Richardson had brought the bouquet home from work with him, and given it to Alex. It confused him, because he couldn’t understand why Evan would send him flowers, unless he was going to tell him something horrible, and wanted him to be prepared. He had thought for sure that Evan was going to send him one last letter, and then never write to him again. So, he’d stayed curled up under all the blankets the other boy had sent him until he got the letter. He had been scared, and then he had thought he wouldn’t write back; at least not for a while. But then thoughts of how he’d felt when he thought Evan wasn’t going to write him again flew through his mind, and he forced himself to write his reply.

Dear Evan,

I really have no clue where to start, so I guess I’ll start by telling you that I would never, ever think of not replying to you. I’ve told you before, and I’ll tell you a million more times, I’m sure, but you’re my best friend. If I didn’t get these letters, I can honestly say that I would still be the ghost of a person I was when I first got to the hospital. And as much as I’d like to say I know exactly how you feel; I can’t. I just know kind of how you feel. As lame as it will seem for me to be using the horrible thing that happened to me as an example, I felt like it was my fault. If I hadn’t been gay, then my dad wouldn’t have locked me in my room, and my brother wouldn’t have found out, and they’d both be alive. And now I feel bad, because I feel like that makes it seem like I’m belittling what you’ve been through. Because I’m not. I have no doubt in my mind that your guilt is worse than mine was; because it probably is.

Another thing I want to say is: don’t hurt yourself. Trust me, it doesn’t work. All it did for me was add more physical pain to the emotional pain. And it got me in the crazy ward, so it’s definitely not a good idea. It’ll just makes things worse, because then people will start asking questions, and you’ll have to explain why you hurt yourself. You’d have to explain why you felt guilty, and what you did, and it would just turn into a huge mess. Like I said, trust me on this one. This is probably the only thing I can say to you in this letter and actually know what I’m talking about, since I’ve been there. And it made me spend the last year and a half of my life locked in a hospital room, even if there were other factors, hurting myself was the reason they kept me longer in the first place.

This will be the hardest part for me to write, because, to be honest, I almost didn’t want to write you back. But only because you hit her. I’ve told you what happened to me, and how one babysitter hitting me made me lose all trust for anyone, and get scared of someone even acting like they were going to touch me. And the fact that you would actually hit someone scared me Evan. I know I’ll probably never meet you, but it made think that what if I did, and I said something to hurt you, and then you hit me. I don’t think you’re the kind of person who would actually do that, but it’s what I thought, and I want to be honest with you. But it was just the fear speaking like it always does. Please, don’t let how I felt when I read that make you feel any worse. I don’t want to be the one who pushed you over the edge to actually hurting yourself. I hope that didn’t hurt you, and if it did I am so sorry. I just want to be completely honest with you, since I don’t want to think that you don’t know the real me.

I also want to say that she was lying. I trust you, and I think that you’re very trustworthy. I don’t want to sound disrespectful of Blair, but it sounds to me like when you told her what you told her, that her pride was hurt because you were essentially saying she was lying about who the father was, and that hurt her pride, so she said what she said. Because you can be trusted. At least, I think you can. And that’s a lot, coming from me. I don’t trust anyone as a rule. It typically just leads to more pain, so I don’t. But I trust you, I really do. I don’t know why I felt like I needed to make sure you knew that, except for the fact that Blair said you couldn’t be trusted.

You don’t have to worry about me telling anyone; I have no one to tell. And even if I did tell Dr. Richardson, or Mrs. Richardson, they would just read your letter eight times and try to analyze your brain. But I’m not going to, so you have nothing to worry about.

I know this will sound out of place, and evil, and all that fun stuff, but I don’t think killing the dogs was a bad thing. I know that it’s horrible of me to think that, since what happened happened, and all, but dogs are scary. I have to admit that the first time I read through your letter, I kind of wondered if maybe you had been lying in the other letters about who you really were, but after about the third time, I realized that it wasn’t true. You’re still Evan, and you’re still my best friend. Nothing’s going to change that; even if you do something really horrible. I think that the only bad thing you actually did was hit her, and I doubt that’s why she did what she did. She did what she did because you told her that you didn’t want to be with her, and that she wasn’t attractive, and girls can’t take that. Especially when their hormones are all messed up from a baby.

I can’t think of anything else to say. I’m still really confused, because I can’t quite wrap my mind around why someone would go to that extreme over something as simple as being dumped. I know I wouldn’t, if I ever get dumped. Which I won’t since I probably won’t ever be in a relationship.

Love,

Ian-Alexandre Remington Hauk

P.S I guess I better make sure that you know that I forgive you. I don’t know why I need to forgive you, since this whole thing really has nothing to do with me, but I do. I’ll always forgive you, even if it takes me a while, because I love you. You’re my best friend.

P.P.S I just realized I forgot to tell you my good news. I’ll write a really short paragraph on what’s happened with me, because I need to tell someone. I’m out of the hospital now. I have a garden, and it’s big, and it’s filled with vegetables and flowers that Mrs. Richardson thought I would enjoy working with. Which reminds me I need to thank you for the bouquet. I really like it. But, anyway, I’m out of the hospital, and unless I get really bad again around people, I should never have to go back. I’m in my new room, which is awesome, but I’ll tell you about it in a happier letter. I don’t leave my bedroom much, though. I feel safe in it, and not so much in the rest of the house. I just wanted to tell you, because I guess I kinda hope it will make you just a little happy, for a few seconds. So, now you have my new address, and can send stuff straight to me, so Dr. Richardson doesn't have to bring them home from work.

{} -- { D03SN'T KN0W WH4T T0 S4Y } -- {}

[B3N3V0L3NTxF4iiRY___xo]

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Ian-Alexandre had had absolutely no clue what was going on when the boxes showed up, especially since Ryan had dumped everything out and stolen the boxes before Alex could get downstairs. All he knew was that Evan had sent him a lot of stuff, and he had no clue why. Being the overly-analytical person he could be, he was confused. But, he forced himself not to think about why Evan could have been sending him all this stuff, and just happily looked through it like a kid on Christmas. He found it really odd that all of this had come without a letter, but he didn't have to wait long. The letter came the next day, and he wrote his reply immediately, like always.

Dear Evan,

I’ve gotta say I’m glad I’m not the only one who has to see a therapist. Even if I technically live with mine, he still analyzes everything I say, and he still makes me have my sessions when I’m done with school. I guess he’s technically not a therapist, but he’s similar to one. That’s what he does at the hospital. He helps to make those of us crazy enough to be in there better, if the root is an emotional problem like mine is. You can tell her anything you want about me, I really don’t mind. Just don’t tell her why I was in the hospital. I don’t like people knowing about that. It makes them judge me without knowing anything about me, and I don’t like it one bit.

I don’t think I’d like yoga, to be honest. Mrs. Richardson does it, and it looks painful. Then again, she’s seven months pregnant, so that could be why. Ryan tried once, and he ended up tearing a muscle in his arm. I’m not sure how it happened, because I was at the hospital, but it did. I don’t think I know what kickboxing is. I’ve never heard of it, anyways. Well, I think I heard Caleb talking about it once, but I wasn’t paying attention, because my mp3 player was doing something really weird, and I wanted to fix it. Could you maybe tell me what it is, so I can try to imagine what it’s like?

I’m glad you’re moving on, I really am. I have no idea how hard this must be for you, and I honestly don’t think I want to. If you hadn’t noticed already, I don’t deal well with pressure, or stress, or guilt. I wish I knew what else to say about that, but it’s really all I know to say. The only thing I can think to do is warn you not to let the façade take over, so you’re not bottling your emotions up. Bottling emotions up is what causes some people to turn into serial killers, or something evil like that. At least, that’s what my dad used to say before he turned evil himself. So, I don’t know if it’s really true, or him just trying to make my life even worse by telling me something I would believe, but that was a total lie.

Your welcome to all of that. I really still don’t see why you needed me to forgive you, since you did absolutely nothing to me. And, like I said, I almost didn’t write you back, because I was scared. I wish I didn’t get scared as easily as I do, but I do, and it affects everything. Even if I hadn’t wrote back as quickly as I did, I would have eventually, since I would’ve got bored, and lonely, and then I’d start to feel guilty and horrible. I hope I never do anything that will require you to have to forgive me, but I’m glad that if I do, you will. And I’m glad that you trust me, because I sure as hell don’t trust myself most of the time.

I’m so glad you haven’t hurt yourself, because it really doesn’t do anything but get everyone worried. And yes, it is hard to fight yourself. I know that for the year I was locked in my room I had to stop myself more than once from doing something that would have killed me, just so I wouldn’t be locked up anymore. But I’m glad I was able to win those battles with myself, even if I didn’t win the ones over just hurting myself.

Okay, I’ll tell you about my room now. Back at my old house, I had tons of records and concert tees from the seventies and eighties, most of them signed. They were my mom’s, and she gave them to my dad to give to me when I was old enough to take care of them. I pretty much figured I’d lost them all after the incident, but I didn’t. Apparently they let Dr. Richardson go in and get everything that belonged to me out of my room, that wasn’t covered in blood from my brother, and keep it until I was released. So, they covered one wall in the record cases, and one wall has all the tee’s in little glass cases. One wall is a giant bulletin board, with hundreds of thumb tacks, so I can hang stuff up. And the other wall is a really dark purple. Almost black. The other walls are dark grey, but they’re covered in stuff, so you can’t really tell. My bed, and dresser are against the wall with nothing on it, my desk is on the wall with the tee’s, and the other two walls have nothing in front of them. The bulleting board is directly across from my bed, and the record wall is on the opposite side from the door. My t.v. is on the dresser, and I have three bean bag chairs, along with a big squishy, square chair. I don’t really know how to explain it, except that when you sit in it, it eats you, and you can’t really get up. I really love it, especially since it’s so huge.

Thank you for all the stuff, by the way. The boxes came before the letter, and Ryan stole the boxes before I could even get downstairs. He takes them to his work, because they use them to store stuff. I love the headphones, now I actually have an excuse as to why I don’t hear Dr. Richardson when he’s yelling for me. And I adore the rain boots. It makes me happy just to look at them, they’re so cheerful. I don’t know how I’m going to get those records on my wall, but I’m going to somehow. Even if it takes me all day, trying to rearrange them. I’ve got to say that I’m surprised at how well the clothes fit, especially the jeans. I’ve never had a pair like that before, and I really like them. Dr. Richardson thought the shirt was funny, and Ryan stole the army coat. I’ve worn the hoodie since I got it, I like it that much. especially since I’m always freezing cold. The leg warmers look funny on me, I’ll admit, but I like them. I might wear them the next time I get forced to go to the mall, just so people will give me weird looks. All the drawings you sent me are on the bulletin board, where I can see them every day when I wake up. I especially liked the happy one, because I like happy things. The vegetable seeds are sitting on my desk, the flower seeds have been planted, and the bulbs are on my desk, as well. I planted one of the bulbs in a flower pot, so I can have a plant in my room. I don’t know if I told you, but the Richardson’s have a library, and I now have an entire bookshelf all to myself, and those books helped me to finish filling the first row. I’m going to start reading them as soon as I can. The stationary will obviously be put to good use, so I can stop using notebook paper. And I don’t really know what to do with the buttons, so they’re sitting on my desk; waiting for me to decide where their home should be.

I think that covers everything. I do have a question for you about all of it, though. Why did you buy me all that stuff? I certainly didn’t earn it, or deserve it, and I’m a little confused. Not that I’m giving any of it back, mind you. I like it too much to give any back. I just feel a little inadequate now, since I really don’t have anything I could give you, and I don’t think Dr. Richardson would loan me money until I actually get brave enough to get a job. So that I feel a little better about receiving all of this, tell me your favorite eighties band, and your shirt size. I’ve got a lot of duplicates in my eighties stuff, since my mom always believed in having a back up, in case something happened to the first one.

So, I hope that this letter made you a little happier, because I don’t like thinking that you’re sad, especially when there’s really nothing I can do about it.

Love,

Alex

P.S You really have no clue how happy you’ve made me. If anyone makes the world spin; it’s you.

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He actually smiled as he wrote today. The words were starting to come easier, and it was easier. He had went with his parents to Blair’s funeral. It was beautiful and she looked as pretty as ever. Her hair pinned and only he noticed the slight bump of her stomach. It made his sad that she was dead, but in some ways it was even a relief, which was never how he wanted it to be. He would always remember her as a great person, because she true was and even if she had cheated on him, it wouldn’t change his opinion. He had liked her, and even if it wasn’t in the way everyone thought it was ok. He had even hooked up after the funeral with a boy. It was actually Greg Del Bene. He was tall skinny and wore the tightest pants you could wear. He was hot in Evans mind and he had sent a photo of him, shirtless to Alex. All Greg and him had done was say that they were going to hang out his house and they got it. The made out for the rest of the afternoon. It had made Evan really thrilled. He and Greg had been ‘hanging out’ more often since then. It was nice to have someone to keep busy with.



Dear Alex,

I gave you those things because I wanted to. I love giving things. I don’t think you should ever feel inadequate because I give you things and I get nothing in return. I never want anything back, I’m fine with just giving you things that will make you happy and put a smile on your face. I want you to know that someone thinks of you, even when you are sure no one does. You’re my best friend, and I’ll give you all kind of things. I enjoy giving things to you as much as you enjoy getting them. I like to think that you’re happy even when you haven’t written back yet or if this all ends one day that you will remember me, because I’ve haven’t given you something you really liked. I do this because I want you to be happy and you should feel guilty. Be happy with your new things. I hope Ryan likes the army jacket.

“P.S You really have no clue how happy you’ve made me. If anyone makes the world spin; it’s you.” I put those word on my wall. I put them over my window next to my bed, They contrast greatly with that wall that is a light forest green, because they are in pure black. Those words made my day and so I’m happy you wrote them. I’m happy you think I make the world spin.

You room sounds amazing. It sounds like it embodies you, so I understand why you find it to be like a safe haven. I’m happy you have the record and shirts, it gives you something to remember your mother by. I bet she was a good person I really do. I think that purple suits you. I think the color is your color, I think purple is your color. I’m more of a green of blue man though. I don’t have any dislike of purple. It’s a good color. It can be happy and it can be very mellow. Purple can have many meanings. Most of them I find to be good meanings. Actually I’m wearing a pair of rain boots right now.

I got a pair of rain boots to. I use them for gardening. I started gardening just to try it out. It’s fun. I was wearing a regular black tee-shirt, my black pants and my yellow boots. I looked like a gardener. Or at least I thought so. I accidently ate dirt though which wasn’t part of the plan. I quit yoga to. It is quite painful. They make you do crazy things. So that was a no. I’m still in kickboxing though. It’s going well and I can feel the muscle building. I can also eat whatever I want with all the exercise so I have started eating like a pig. I mean I can burn most of the calories off so why not. But I’m eating healthier. I can’t stop eating peppermint ice cream which is the best ice cream ever. I mean who doesn’t like it. But you probably don’t like it since your lactose. But If you weren’t I swear you would .

Ok. So I forgot this last time. If I ever met you there would be no way I would let myself ever physically hurt you. I might get somewhat mad at something you said but I wouldn’t hurt you. It would mean I would lose a lot more than just our friendship I would lose all of the trust that you given me. I think I would probably lose most of the trust I have with myself. I already lost some of it from after Blair. I was think about this for a little while and I noticed that I really would never try to do anything to hurt you, but that doesn’t mean I’m ever going to lie to you. I would try my hardest not to hurt you. I just thought that would like to know that. I thought it might mean something to you that I’ve said that.

Next, I was wondering this the other day, how’s Mrs. Richardson? Do you know what she is having yet of do they want it to be surprised. Are you excited to be a big brother with Ryan? Are you excited To have a little sister or brother. I always wanted a little sister. But my parents were done after me, especially since my mom kept getting sick. So that was that. Do they have a baby room set up? Is so what color is it. Also ask them what they want for a baby shower gift, Nothings to big or small. Just ask them what they really want and don’t mention that I’m going to get it. I want it to be a surprise. You’re going to be a big brother. Alex, aka: big brother to ___________. You’ll have so much fun and they’ll love you no matter what that’s the great part even if they annoy you. They mostly do it because it’s fun and they like to see you frustrated.

I still can’t get over that you’re going to be a big brother. I bet Ryan’s excited. Well maybe not but he should be. I really want a bagel right now. I just got back from kickboxing and I’m starved so I’m going to go stuff my face after I finish writing. I hope your excited for the baby, you seem like you would be. Sorry but I need to go take a shower. I sort of have a funk about me. write me back.

Love,

Evan

P.S. Tell me where Mr. and Mrs. Richardson registered at.

P.S.S. In the picture: That’s a boy names Greg. I met him a little while ago. He is quite hot am I right?

P.S.S.S. My favorite 80's band is Duran Duran, I'm the same size as you. I can't really remeber right now.

[B3N3V0L3NTxF4iiRY___xo]

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Alex always smiled when he wrote Evan, and today was no different. The only thing different today was that he actually had two pretty awesome things to tell him. He usually really had nothing interesting to say, since he was pretty much confined to his house, but today he actually did. It was weird how one day your life could be completely normal, and then the next day something extremely simple, and probably mundane to other people, happens and your world just brightens up. And he couldn't wait to tell Evan.

Dear Evan,

You realize that I’m not going to let you get away without you telling me your favorite eighties band, you know. Even though it made me smile for five minutes, your first paragraph, that is. I don’t like the thought of us not talking anymore, though. For the million and third time, you’re my best friend, and I don’t want us to stop talking. Maybe someday, when you have a family, I won’t mind as much, because I’d know you were busy, and happy, and stuff. I am happy with my new stuff, and I’m pretty sure Ryan loves the jacket. I think I’m going to steal it back next time I do the laundry, though.

It made me feel special that you actually put that on your wall. It’s the truth, though. And besides, you said it first. And I gotta say, I’m glad you said it, because it made my day, too. I like sentimental stuff like that, because I’m lame, and stuff.

I love my room. It’s just so awesome, and I’m glad the Richardson’s did this for me. I had honestly been wondering what I was going to do when the discharged me, because I can’t be around people without getting too scared to do anything, and getting a job and living on my own would require that. So, I’m glad they adopted me, and I’m glad they didn’t just send me out on my own. I probably would’ve ended up dead in some alley, because I was trying to get away from the people only to run into a murderer, or my brother’s evil ghost, or something. I miss my mom more than I miss anything. Everything was normal when she was alive, because it wasn’t until after she died that my dad started drinking, and bringing random girls home. One of them actually got pregnant, and claimed the baby was my dad’s, and then had an abortion when dad found it wasn’t his. Purple’s my favorite color, by the way. It looks horrible on me, but I love it. My bedspread is purple. And my iPod case is purple.

I love my garden. I usually just wear sweat pants, a tee shirt, a hoodie, and a coat. And yes, I am always that cold. I can’t help it. I’ve never eaten dirt before, but I id eat a ladybug one. It was on a strawberry I picked up, and ate. I talk to my plants, especially the weeping willow in the back yard. It’s huge, and you can crawl way back in the branches, and stay hidden for hours. I’ll stick a picture of it in. If you look realllly closely in the middle, you can see Caleb. He was hiding from me, because I was chasing him, so he’d play Guitar Hero with me. He quit because I was so much better than him. And while I’m thinking of it, yeah, that Greg guy is hot. He looks a lot like Caleb, except Caleb isn’t quite that skinny. Maybe only a few pounds heavier though. Oh! And while I’m still on the subject of Caleb, and Guitar Hero, I better tell you the good news. We were playing ‘Less Talk More Rokk’, and I was kicking his butt, right? And he just all the sudden paused the game, and kissed me. And I didn’t freak out at all. And then he said he loved me, and I did freak out. But only because I’m a people-pleaser, and I couldn’t say it back, because I don’t feel it back. So, I told him, and he said it was okay, because he didn’t want me to lie about it, because it would only hurt both of us. So, he asked me out, and I said yes, and you should have seen his face. He looked so happy, like someone had just given him a million dollars. He’s taking me to this little book store and this little coffee shop tonight. I’m really nervous, because I’ve never been on a real date. I mean, my first boyfriend doesn’t count because we just went to a football game, and then he kissed me on the porch, and my dad caught us. So he doesn’t count. But Caleb’s realllly hot, and I’m realllly not, and I dunno. I’m just nervous, and needed to tell someone.

I’m glad you wouldn’t hurt me, and I’m really not scared that you would anymore. I was at first, but only because in everything I do, my fears speak first. And I have far too many fears for my own good, even if they are better than they were a year and a half ago. A year and a half ago I wouldn’t even leave my hospital room to eat lunch, because I was too scared. But then again, way back then I couldn’t leave the hospital room, because moving hurt because of the giant holes in my stomach. Though, they did leave three pretty awesome scars. It looks kinda like a saber tooth tiger bit me. Only the tiger would have had flat teeth, and three of them. As weird as this sounds, I kinda wish that the police hadn’t taken the knife as evidence, just so I could know which one he used. I know, I’m a freak.

Mrs. Richardson is doing really good. She’s starting to look huge, in a good way. And they found out she’s having twins! One of the babies was hiding, and the silly doctor just found it at the last ultrasound. They know what the genders are, but they won’t tell Ryan and I, because they want it to be a surprise. I’m really excited, especially now that she only has a month left. The baby’s room is attached to their bedroom, and it’s pale green, with Noah’s Ark wallpaper on the bottom half. I didn’t ask them what they wanted, because they wouldn’t answer me if I did, since that’s just the way they are, But they’ve been complaining about a mobile, of all things. They can’t find any that match the room. Mrs. Richardson says she wants one that has a bunch of little animals on it, but the only ones they’ve found are pink, and don’t match the room. I’m so happy I’m going to be a brother. I don’t know if I ever mentioned it, but when I was four my mom had a baby girl, but she was born very sick, and died after two hours.

Ryan’s not as excited as I am, because technically he just got a little brother, even if I’m only younger by nine months. He’s been upset about how much sleep he’s going to lose, because his bedroom is across from the babies’ room. I’m glad I’m down the hall. And now that you’ve mentioned a bagel, I want a soy burger, and I don’t know why. I’ve gotta end the letter now, because the doorbell just rang, and I’m still in my pjs and everything.

Love,
Ian-Alexandre

P.S I just got back from the date, it was freakin’ awesome, by the way, and I remembered I didn’t tell you where they were registered. They’re registered at baby Gap, Toys-R-Us, and Target, I think. If I’m wrong, then I’m sorry. I know for sure they’re registered at Toy-R-Us, because I made them register there. So if you go there, and you see and lego toys on the list, that’s for me. I made them put stuff for me on the register. It’s amazing how easily it is to get your way if you bring up the fact that you never got a chance to have legos, because your dad locked you in your room for almost two years.

P.P.S I just realized that my you could see my thumb on the picture of the tree, so I just took another one. I left the one I had already taken in there, though, because I think it's really cool how all you can see is the tips of Caleb's shoes through the tree. This second one has better lighting, though, since it's dark, except for the streetlight. And I stuck a picture I found of the garden in there, as well. The lady is Mrs. Richardson, and the boy is Ryan. Ryan was getting a flower for Mrs. Richardson, since she's too pregnant to bend over all the way, and I thought it was really sweet, so I took a picture. But, anyway, there you go.

P.P.P.S: I was reading your letter again, and I realized that you told me the band, and I just didn't notice. So, it's in the box that should come with this letter. My mom was a hardcore Duran Duran fan, and she had, like, ten signed shirts, all from different concerts. According to what my dad told me when I was probably ten, she even kissed Andy Taylor, though I think that was dad trying to make my mom look good. And he was drunk then, so, yeah. Anyway, It's a small, I hope it fits.

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Evan wrote with a smile as he started his letter, everything had been going to well. Life was just going great. It seemed like every day the birds and bees were happy as he gardened. He was gardening more now and had cut back on therapy and kickboxing, he still ran in the mornings though. Evan had been walking around the property and found they had horses and had taken to riding them. That was a few days before he would get something or someone to fill his schedule. He was having a good week he really was. As his pen moved it seemed like the words were flowing like they once had. Like he didn’t even have to think about what was coming out and what he was writing. It just came and it was always fine.


Dear Alex,

I’m really sorry I have taken so long to right. I’ve just been really busy, in a good way. I never meant to take this long but my parents are still in Europe. They came an left after Blair died. It was just an in and out kind of thing which is very much like them. They are everywhere at one. They are happy though and that’s all that matters. They get to go away to a wedding and I think their actually going to look for a house there. So that should be interesting. They have nice taste. Well my mother has nice taste, my father doesn’t have much taste but is brilliantly smart, so we don’t have to worry much about his taste in things.

Also thank you for the shirt. It’s amazing and I was so happy when I got it. I almost fell down the stairs trying to get to the box. Ouch. That would have been painful. I was sooo tempted to wear it but I made myself not. I don’t want to ruin its ____. I can’t remember what word that would be. But I didn’t wear it and I have found the perfect spot on my wall. You know the wall about me making the world spin, well I have been repainting, and redoing my room by myself. It’s so much fun and now you have a wall. Well I didn’t mean to at fist but I just stuck the things up. It’s in the little window seat thing. Do you know what I mean? Well I framed the pictures and the shirt up on the wall. Mrs. Richardson looks like I imagined her, which sort of freaked me out at first when I first saw it. She just seems to fit that name perfectly. I just couldn’t get over that, I still really can’t.

Oh. My. God. You and Caleb must be so adorable together. He is so hot. But don’t worry I won’t take him from you. I’ll tell you why later in the letter. Caleb is stunning, and I’m so happy for you. Everything has been going well since I got this letter. You and Caleb, I bet he can’t keep his hands off you. And I’m so proud you didn’t freak out. I’m glad that your relationship is open, that’s always a good thing. I know you aren’t fond of people touching you but, sooner or later you’ll be better about it. This will be so good for you. Especially since Caleb knows that you were in the hospital and of the touching thing. He seems like he won’t make you do something you don’t want to and I’m so happy for you. You don’t even know.

I hope that Mr. And Mrs. Richardson got the basket of things I sent them. I know it was a lot, but I love spoiling you guys. It’s so fun. I mean I feel like I’m doing a good thing and when I saw that mobile I knew it was meant for the room. Did They liked all the little clothes? I got them all in green though because I didn’t know if it was a girl of a boy. I had to get them little hats to because I was reading a baby book, for some reason. Mostly to see what they would need and it said that babies have tender heads that need to be protected. The sunscreen is for them to. I could only find SPF 50 for babies but I thought that was good. They get sunburned really easily. The rest is just fun stuff, like the canvas paintings of the little animals, and the one with Noah’s ark and the rattles and pacifiers. Plus the cute blankets. I would have had names but you didn’t tell me anything.

Ok. So I have interesting news. I met this guy, his name it Xavier. I met him by accidently bumping into him at the local library. He was carrying a ton of books to check out while I was returning books and we bumped and all the books fell. We got such a dirty look from the librarian. She looked like she was going to shoot us.
Xavier is dominant but not loud. He can be very quiet at times and sometimes you don’t even have to speak to understand what he is saying. He had a brilliant pair of eyes, one is a very bright green eye and the other is a green hazel. From far away they almost look the same but close up you can totally tell the difference. He had really rich brown hair, it just long enough to be in his eyes, but not short enough that you can see part of his neck. He us much taller than me, you know how I am only 6 feet which is tall he is like 6’4. A whole four inches. I feel so short around him its lovely. I really like him to, we started to ask each other out at the same time but I let him go on. We went out once and I find him so interesting. He had an opinion on everything here is something he said:

“I'm sort of an atheist. I like Jesus and all, but I don't care too much for most of the other stuff in the Bible. Take the Disciples, for instance. They annoyed the hell out of me, if you want to know the truth. They were all right after Jesus was dead and all, but while He was alive, they were about as much use to Him as a hole in the head. All they did was keep letting Him down. I like almost anybody in the Bible better than the Disciples. If you want to know the truth, the guy I like best in the Bible, next to Jesus, was that lunatic and all, that lived in the tombs and kept cutting himself with stones. I like him ten times as much as the Disciples, that poor b*****d.”

During the time we have went out, tonight will be the fourth time, did I tell you I met him like five days ago? He also said:

“If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn't rub out even half the '******** you' signs in the world. It's impossible.”

I figured that one to be true. How many ******** you signs have you seen in a lifetime thousands. So we had a conversation on that. We can talk about almost anything. I haven’t told him about the letters yet though. I mean I want to but I’m just not sure if I should.… I will though. It just hasn’t come up.. I’m definitely not trying to hide you I just don’t know what he’ll think. I mean if he doesn’t like it its not worth it right? You’re my best friend.

So I just came back from a date. We went to an art gallery it was so much fun. I think he did it mostly for me though because he’s not the most artistic person in the world he is somewhat of a bad boy, now that I think about it. He nice with me, he hasn’t been mean yet, and it seems like it will stay that way. I’m sorry for rambling on about him but I really like him, and I’m hoping that he likes me to. I’m done with useless hookups, and meaningless relationships, I want this to work.

Love,

Evan

P.S. YOUR WITH CALEB.. WOOT!!!!

P.S.S. I just thought you should know what I thought of Ryan. If he was gay, I’d date him in a second. He is so adorable..

[B3N3V0L3NTxF4iiRY___xo]

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Ian-Alexandre would have given anything right then to be somewhere else, in a hole, away from people. He'd had a mental breakdown, and he wasn't even sure he could write to Evan, without being rude. He'd been rude to everyone since the breakdown, even though he knew it was horrible of him. So today as he wrote, he tried his hardest to sound a little happy, and get everything off his chest.

Dear Evan,

I have to say I wonder what Europe is like. My dad was born in England, so he would tell me stories about it when I was little, but I never got to go. He always promised he’d take me someday, and he’d always promise mom right after that that he’d take her to Venice and leave me and my brother at his mom’s. If they take any pictures, do you think you could maybe get me a copy of a few? You don’t have to, I just think it would be cool to know what it looks like over there.

Since I want to make a habit of getting all my bad news out of the way first, I’m gonna tell you what’s happened now, so I don’t forget. Two days ago Caleb came to get me to take me on another date. And for some reason I had a complete mental breakdown for the dumbest reason. He touched my shoulder, kissed my cheek, and whispered that he loved me in my ear. And I completely flipped the lid. I cried for the first time since the incident, and I pushed him into my desk, and I started screaming at him. I didn’t know why that had bothered me so much right after I had clamed down, but I realized once Dr. Richardson got me to the hospital and calmed down. Right after my brother raped me, he stabbed me once in the back, and then he did the exact same thing Caleb had done. Except that ended with him stabbing me two more times. I even remember what my brother whispered. He said, “I love you Remi. And someday you’ll find someone who loves you in spite of all this, and you’ll forget all about me.” Well, Caleb had said, “I love you Remi.” So, I was in the hospital for the rest of the night so they could make sure I didn’t hurt myself, or anyone else, and then they sent me home. And Caleb hasn’t even called to check on me. I think I scared him away for good. Oh, I don’t think I ever told you that that Remi is what Caleb has always called me, because that’s what Dr. Richardson calls me. Actually, I think everyone here except Mrs. Richardson and Ryan’s girlfriend call me Remi. I guess Ian-Alexandre is too much of a mouthful. Anyway, I’ve pretty much ruined any chances I had with Caleb, and managed to get myself complete adult supervision 24/7. I actually wouldn’t be surprised if the Richardsons decide I need to be back in the crazy ward.

I’m glad you like the shirt. It was my favorite of the ones that I have, and I thought you would like it. Trust me, though, you’re not going to hurt it by wearing it. Even though my mom and I never wore any of them, they’re strong shirts. You won’t hurt it by wearing it. I think it’s really awesome that I have a wall, and that you’re re-doing your room. And it’s really weird, but Mrs. Richardson looks exactly like this chubby Italian lady who owned a bakery, and would sneak me special cookies while my dad had me locked in my room. I actually thought Mrs. Richardson was her the first time I saw her.

Caleb is hot. He’s beyond hot, at least to me. I’m a little upset that he dyed his hair black, because I liked it better red. But I was getting used to it. It actually looks really good on him, even if it does make him look emo. I mean, he has the lip ring and hair style, now he has the hair color. And I have to agree with you on the Ryan thing. If he wasn’t my brother, and he was such a homophobe, I would totally be dating him. But he is my brother now, and he is a homophobe. I don’t understand how he got so tall, though. Because Mrs. Richardson is barely 5’1”, and Dr. Richardson is 5’8”, like me. And then Ryan’s almost 6’3”. I kind of wish I had a picture of his face when he found out me and Caleb were going out. He looked like he’d just swallowed a wasp. And he said, “Oh my god. Caleb was seriously gay? I think I’m going to be sick.” I almost slapped him, but I didn’t because I was laughing over the look on his face.

They got the basket, and they were extremely happy about the mobile, especially. They still won’t tell my or Ryan what gender the babies’ are, just that they think we’ll be excited. Which has me thinking that it’s probably two girls, so it’s even between the boys and girls in the house. Except that Ryan’s pet snake is a boy, so that would put us ahead by one. They’re still fighting over names, according to Mrs. Richardson. She’s had names picked out for years, apparently, and Dr. Richardson has decided that he’s had names picked out for years, and they can’t choose which ones are better.

And I’m glad you met someone you like. I really hope things work out for you two better than they have for me and Caleb. Xavier sounds like a really cool guy, and I have to say I agree with him on the whole disciple thing. I told Mrs. Richardson about it, because she teaches Sunday School, and knows a lot about the Bible, and she said she actually agreed with him, on the disciple thing. She said if the disciple’s had spent less time doubting and having hardened hearts, and more time teaching, then less people would be so doubtful of Christ today. And then I got a huge lecture on everything the disciples did wrong, and then how after the saw the ascension, and the resurrection, they realized that Jesus really was God’s son, their hearts changed. Even Judas realized that what he did was horrible, though he didn’t do the right thing at all. I can’t say that I blame him, though. If I knew that the reason the Son of God was dead was my greed, I would’ve hung myself too.

Both of you two would dwarf me. I hate that I’m so much shorter than everyone. Even Caleb’s taller than me, and he’s only 5’10”. It’s kind of funny how you two have been out more than me and Caleb have, and we’ve know eachother way longer than you and Xavier. You don’t have to tell him about me, you know. I’m not that important. Maybe if I was like, living in your basement you should, but I’m not. And if you do tell him, it shouldn’t bother him, unless he’s just the insane jealous type. But even then he’d have nothing to be jealous about. But if you’re afraid he won’t like it, then just don’t tell him. I hate using Caleb as a comparison point for Xavier, since I don’t know him at all, but Caleb actually thought that the letters were awesome. He actually helped me write a couple, when we were just starting the whole writing thing. You know, back when I had no clue what to say to you.

I gotta go, Dr. Richardson wants to talk.


Love,

Ian-Alexandre.


P.S I just got done talking to Dr. Richardson, and now I’m kind of depressed. He told me that I had hurt Caleb, and that he probably wouldn’t come see me again, and that I should be sad over it. He talked to me like I was five. Is it wrong that that made me so sad? I’m kind of hoping that Caleb will come over today, just so I could say that I was sorry for hurting him, and get an official break-up over with, instead of him just ignoring me for the rest of our lives. Sure, I don’t feel anything romantic for him yet, but it still hurts that he hasn’t even imed me, or called, or anything. He hasn’t even asked Ryan to tell him how I am. Maybe I’m just being super-paranoid, but you don’t think he hates me, does he? It’s not my fault I’m crazy. It’s not like I can control what my memories make me do.

I’m gonna shut up now before I start ranting about how horrible my life has gotten, and how I wish they’d just put me back in the hospital.

P.P.S Once again, I’m sorry that I got depressed at the end there. I just needed to rant.

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Evan wrote to Alex to trying to get things off of his chest. Something’s he could explain and others he couldn’t others he would have to learn on his own. He wrote with emotion trying to let Alex know how he was feeling as he wrote this to him. He wanted Alex to get something out of this letter. He didn’t know if it would happen though. No one knew, he would just have to see in the next letter. He would have to see and read through see if there was feeling in the next letter he would keep explaining Xavier to Alex. He and Xavier were now a couple any it seemed like he could get no happier and as he wrote he wrote in a serious tone. His voice was full of care though and if he had said it, it would be almost comforting.

Dear Alex,

I just want you to know that I’m here for you; for you to talk and rant, and whine and complain at. You can be sad when you’re not feeling well. In your last letter there wasn’t any happiness. It felt almost feeling less. Like even though I knew you were sad I couldn’t feel it in the writing. I want to feel it in the writing. I write to you with how I am feeling that day. I write because I love writing and it feels like I have something to tell. When I was sad, couldn’t you tell. I’m not exactly sure if you’re that sad though. I can’t tell. I couldn’t tell in you last letter and I wanted to know. That sounds selfish in some ways but I really did want to know. You’ve got to trust that no matter what you say to me in the letters and no matter how much you tell the truth even if it hurts me I’ll keep writing back. Because maybe if you’re in a bad place and we are still fighting but you get a letter from me, you know you’ll always have someone there. Oh, My God.. that sounded really corny, and kind of stupid, but you get what I mean.

I have been painting a lot lately, and I painted the picture with the willow tree, the one you sent me, so I’m sending it to you. After I read your letter though I wasn’t sure if I should keep Caleb in the picture, but I did, because you should look back at the time spent together fondly. You should like that even though you were only going out with him for a short time that it was something you liked. I could tell in the letter before last that you liked him and were ecstatically happy. Burn those feelings and Caleb into your mind, that why I photo copied your letter and sent you a copy. Though on Caleb’s part I think he should try and understand. He shouldn’t flee away, and if it doesn’t happen he wasn’t right for you. Some who would be right for you would understand all of it and be able to create something new that wouldn’t remind you of the memories.

My mom and dad aren’t back from Europe but when I asked if I could have some pictures of it there I got tons. I think they were happy I called. I have about fifty good pictures of Europe now and all of them are on my computer as well so I’m sending them all to you. They sent pictures of gardens (your favorite), the famous places, like the place of Norte Dam, and the churches and all other crazy things. I sent you a picture of them. They are the ones standing in front of a gondola, my dad has dipped my mom and she is laughing. I think she’s a pretty mom, she had blonde hair like me but her eyes are a green, while my father has brown hair and blue-grey eyes. They are both very tall. My dad’s 6’1 and my mom’s 5’10. It’s odd but they are my parents.

I sent the pictures in a art portfolio case. They are all different sizes and there are some of the garden that are pretty big. I don’t know but you could hang them of just look at them. I find doing both is cool, but you might not have enough space. Just stare at one for a really long and you’ll find the small most interesting detail and some people you don’t know that you will never meet and you can create a story in your head. In one of the pictures I kept its in a park and theirs this couple and they are sitting feeding the ducks and they are both really old and you think. They could have had a marvelous adventure in love. It could almost be like Romeo and Juliet. They could have had horrible things happened together and they made it through. I decided to send it to you to. I’ll think you will come up with some brilliant stories.

Remember what I said. Remember it even if you don’t want to. Remember both the good and the bad and learn from it. You can learn from almost anything. You can learn from your mistakes in the past and others mistakes that’s what the past and history are for. I’m going to let you think on that. I’m going to let you think about it all everything. I hope by sending this letter you realized something. I don’t know what you’ll realize but if you realize anything at all it will be good.

Love,

Evan

P.S. Never be sorry for getting depressed it happens to all of us and we can’t change it.