• i'm tired of living this way.
    i'm tired of faking this stupid smile every day.
    i want them to see.
    look deep.
    see truly.
    me.
    see the fight that's going on inside.
    be aware of the things i hide.
    i want them to know that i'm not happy.
    i want them to know.
    i want them to see.
    i want them to care.
    so i can stop living this lie.
    they need to see.
    before i die.
    my life that i lived.
    it wasnt what it seemed.
    they looked at me.
    enviously.
    but they didn't really know.
    the truth behind the door.
    they didn't open up.
    and see what went on.
    behind the scene.
    i seemed to have it together.
    to never be sad.
    and when i did cry.
    the laughter would come back.
    they never saw the pain.
    the murderous desire.
    they never bothered to look past.
    the fake attire.
    my thoughts were disclosed.
    in the things that i wrote.
    they all thought nothing of it.
    thought they all were a joke.
    but now what will they think.
    when they find me.
    laying by the sink.
    a bottle in my hand.
    or maybe a knife will be my last memory.
    peace.
    or pain.
    which one will i choose.
    what way of finding me.
    will i put them through?
    blood &terror.
    or just no breathe.
    either way.
    i want to know.
    how they will handle it.
    what will they think.
    when they open my journal this time?
    what will they see.
    when they read all of the lines.
    will they finally realize.
    it wasn't all fake.
    these words that i've written.
    were not a mistake.
    just something i witnessed.
    not something i felt.
    will they finally know.
    that smile.
    was fake.
    will they finally see.
    i needed their attention.
    will they finally know.
    finally.
    after years of me putting on this show.
    will they finally know.
    that i wasn't what i seemed.
    will they ever forget.
    will i appear in their dreams?
    &if i do.
    what will i say.
    will they dream of me dancing.
    &being fake.
    or will they see me torn.
    for what i really am.
    a confused person.
    forever damned.