• I can’t believe this. No words you or I say will fix anything.

    It doesn’t matter, it was nothing in the first place- I keep repeating it, but it doesn’t help at all.

    I force a smile a smile across my face. Try and fool myself into thinking I’m happy again. But this is the biggest part of love or feelings.. there’s far more upsetting parts then there is happy. I’ll try and push my chin up again. Walk around with some sort of dignity that I know I don’t have.

    It’s hard to believe that all these memories I have meant nothing. The smile across your face that I thought I put there. The feeling of being special, important, or significant. But it was never about any of that.

    It’s hard to believe in someone when you can’t even believe in yourself. More concerned of the public’s thoughts of you, than your own well being. Keep lying to yourself and saying you’re not good enough, but I was able to see the real you under it all.

    I wonder if you’re even upset.
    Were all those times we spent together nothing to you?
    Or were you actually scared. Scared of being loved and actually wanted by someone.

    The whole concept of us was totally obscure. There’s no way I even saw it coming. But it happened and nothing will ever change that. I’ll look at you and pray that we make some sort of awkward contact and for that split second you look at me you’ll see one of the times we spent together laughing and not caring.

    Go ahead and do what you’re best at. That’s what I knew you as before all this.

    It was a challenge for me. Take this wreck of a boy and change him, make him love. Make him human, give him a heart beat and actual feelings of being whole. But I lost. I got so involved in the good that I forgot to keep my eyes open for the bad. I turned my back for a moment and I’m shot down.

    I can’t even decide whether it was anything to me in the first place. or were you there to fill the hole left by continuance rejection that knocked me down each time.

    I should just stay down. What’s the point of getting up when I know this is how it will always end up… in heartbreak.