• My Foot


    llllllllMy foot hurts. Really bad. But it’s not just a normal kind of pain. It’s a physical manifestation of the pain I’m feeling in my mind. See I have several mental problems and issues as well as slightly emotional issues that are going on, and my body is transforming my pain out of the emptiness of my mind and into a tangible source, a tangible object; real, actual, pain. Not just pain, but injury. Need I remind you, not a normal kind of injury. But a birth deformity that’s slowly been growing and causing me more pain as my life has been going on, and right on que with my emotions, is coming into light.
    llllllll Now, it’s actually a very interesting idea that my mind picked my foot to be the body part of pain. See, with other body parts, like the arm, when it is disabled you simply can’t perform a function, however, this is easily made up with all the other parts of your body; a one armed man can catch but a one legged man can’t run. In retrospect, you have another arm. If both arms are broken, you can still walk, you can still get around. But with a foot! See a foot is a more annoying kind of pain. It inhibits your walking more than a broken leg. With a broken leg, you can’t walk anyways and so you don’t have to bother with it at all, but with your foot… you’re still expected to walk on it, still expected to go. It’s such a minuscule part of your body that people often ignore your attempts to tell them how it hurts- it’s a foot, it’s like stubbing your toe or cutting your finger it’s minuscule. But we forget something. See, the foot is the lowest part of your body. All the weight of all the actions you do is extended through your foot, and even if all your other body parts are working fine or are good or are even excelling they have to go through your foot, and a damaged foot inhibits all the things you do regardless of the abilities of your other parts. It’s your foot, it does nothing, when compared with your legs, but we forget that no matter what all our strength is applied through our foot, so, doing a cartwheel with 2500 pounds of centrifugal force on the tip of your foot is much more damaging than your legs with only 200 or so pounds, and with a damaged foot this is not possible.
    llllllll This is similar to my kind of mental and emotional pain. See, I have slight insomnia an eating disorder and a nervous system problem where if I’m sitting still too long I start to freeze up. My hormones and adrenaline glands are constantly randomly excreting various amount of hormones, they’re out of whack 24/7. I cannot be measured because one day my blood pressure might be 120/80 my heart rate at 76 bps and my temperature at 98.6 and the next it’s 160/100, 105 bps and 100 degrees. Of course this isn’t really a bad thing and it’s only a slight change but the stress is applied to your body day, after day, moment, after moment, slowly eating away at your insides until a hole forms in the pit of your stomach and leaks out your intestines in a slow, reddish brown ooze. Day after day, you deal with being completely different in hormone levels, blood pressure, nervous system reactivity, heart rates, and temperatures, a good day might quite literally mean that your body systems are functioning properly or at optimal conditions and a bad day might mean that you have a bad or worse than optimal condition, meaning that if you try to run 8 miles one day it’s not simply what you eat or how much sleep you got last night but rather if your blood pressure hasn’t been fluctuating between 120/180 giving you flu like conditions. It’s very interesting because when your body systems are never the same and sleeping 16 hours might not mean you’ll wake refreshed and 2 hours of sleep may mean that you may wake up with more energy you’ve ever had in your life. This is where the slight insomnia rolls around, and the eating disorder. You might have ate 12 sandwiches and have a glucose level so low even doctors recommend you should barely move, or eat a green bean and be capable of running 3 miles in 15 minutes. When you realize it doesn’t really matter how much you eat or sleep depending on day to day you start develop habits that are not quite to healthy, like staying up until 6:00 am in the morning and waking up at 7:30 or not eating lunch 5 days in a row and then eating 6000 calories a day on the weekend. Yep yep, but what hurts is when your tired and hungry and cold the next day. Sleeping and eating sho sho. This is stuff we take for granted. We expect to be able to sleep and we expect to be able to eat. It’s like breathing. We do it so much that is becomes non-challent but all of the sudden it’s such a big deal when we can’t do it anymore.
    llllllll That’s great, but more or less what’s amazing is that there IS pain. And in the same fashion. See, an eating disorder and insomnia and variable health measurements don’t really kill you from day one or if it happens once. No, no, it’s over time. Dealing with the pain and stress of all this easy though. What’s hard is forcing yourself to be at optimal conditions all day everyday when the next assignment rolls around and expected to be at peak levels no matter if your glucose levels are out of shape or your body hasn’t produced enough hormones to allow you to stand and walk and run that day no no no you have to be able to do it all, all day long. This doesn’t kill you.
    llllllll Immediately. But imagine inhaling silicon dust every day, just a small amount, just a very small amount. Silicon dust, unfortunately, like many other things like tar, is not easily rid of from your lungs yes. Everyday you breath in a small amount and it tears up your lungs, and lets a chemical sit there and wait. And every day, it sits. Now one day, sure it’s fine. But imagine .5 grams of silica dust entering your lungs every day and staying, by the end of one year, you’d have 182.5 grams of silicon dust or sand in your lungs tearing the alveoli apart when your lungs moved up and down from the reaction of the cavity from your diaphragm. After 10 years you’d have 1.825 kilograms of sand in your lungs, not a very fun though to think about.
    llllllll But enough about that crap. When the mind is pain from all kinds of stress it’s fine it’s okay, really not sleeping and not eating is not TOO huge a deal. You can overcome this, I have overcome this. Not too incredibly hard.
    llllllll Until you apply REAL LIFE SITUATIONS TO THE MIX!
    llllllll How freaking easy do you think it is to go to school every day and take your test while you can barely stay awake at 100 degrees and 120-180 blood pressure fluctuations every minute? How easy is it to interact with other people social when you have violent mood swings and phase out every other second, and then one day be perfectly fine.
    llllllll It doesn’t make it easy. You combine the stress of dealing with people, friends, sports, tests, and problems all into one ball and it’s hard enough as it is. Then you add insomnia, eating disorders, nervous system problems, and rapid change in body state and you have a very serious dilemma that no-one knows how to deal with.
    llllllll The real thing is, is not the one day you have to spend dealing with this. Yay, I finally asked that girl out, finally did my job in football. No the accumulation of hell into one ravaging spot that burns a hole in your mind. Engraves pain into your thoughts, straight into your body. Scars grow from wounds that cannot heal and pain emits from holes that cannot close.
    llllllll But the sad reality of the fact is not even this. It’s what’s growing. It’s what coming out of all the problems of all the stress that have been accumulated over the years. Times of working through, times of torture, times you’ve let your body rot in the pain and wallow in the death that it is, time you’ve felt the struggle you’ve never been able to contain…
    llllllll You, love, pain.
    In a natural reaction to the problems that are surfacing throughout your body you only have an option to be able to deal with it, you develop a defense mechanism, which allows you to push through your struggles.
    llllllll It’s no longer a fight. It’s pleasure. You aren’t simply dieing and slowly killing yourself one day at a time because you have to, your doing it because you love to. When you realize that self destruction is the thing your actually aiming to do, because it’s the only thing your body is letting get carried on, it comes quite as a shock at first. Your inner being is stacking the pain of all your future lives and moments into one big blob and plopping it on you so may ask what it is about.
    llllllll The scars from the moments when you wake up early in the morning to work, go through school, stay in the afternoon and work, come home and work all night only to realize in an hour it’s time to start again, never really heal. The scars from the times you realize your body is no longer healing and is simply destroying itself second by second are the times that you never forget no matter what point in history you might encounter. What sucks is, though you know it’s bad, you realize that you enjoy every second of your self destruction.
    llllllll But death is not for forever. Eventually there comes a time, in a year, in a month, in a time which seems to last as an infinite cycles of death no matter how long they actually occur, when you get to stop, when you get to rest. You finally encounter a time when the pain starts to subside and you can truly sleep, not this small lapse of time where you eyes close and your brain pretends to lose interest in the outside world, but true, natural sleep where the mind can wander into a realm that even of which we can not understand, yet know so well, oh we know this land and place so well.
    In reality, my foot is healing. I get a boot. I finally see the doctor, I finally get to stop, I finally get to rest. I finally get to lay down my foot and finally get to tell everyone what torture I have gone through.
    But why is it I still feel pain? Why is it I’m still hurting? Why is that even though my wound is healing my mental problems still stay around, that these problems still occur? Is it the thousand cists that run throughout my body that my mind is still grasping to? Is my mind finding new problems? Am I constantly developing a new problem?
    llllllll Or worse. Is there a bigger problem? Have I not been complaining about my foot and about my insomnia and about my eating disorders only to discover that there is something worse, that there is a secret which resides inside my body I still do not know, a power which I cannot contain, a problem so dire and so worse than I cannot fathom?
    llllllll Why is my pain still existent, why is my time still so torturous if my wound is healing…
    llllllll The truth is…
    It is not.
    llllllll My mind is still bleeding, my gash is still opening and readily pouring out the liquid maroon mess which pours from our body in response to hopefully heal it with which ever problem it still encounters. I thought the cast on my foot was healing my body, healing my mind. But this whole time it is not, it was not, as a matter of fact my foot is not healing and is attributing to a problem, much, much worse.
    llllllll What is this problem? Where does it exist? In my core? Or perhaps an even scarier thought… perhaps it exists in a part of my body so deep, so essential to survival that finally, when the time occurs that it snaps, that total, and utter chaos is released upon this world.
    llllllll What’s worse than having something bad happen, is seeing something bad happen, knowing something bad is going to happen, and all your futile efforts to stop it are disarranged and destroyed as the future plays it self out and the world is destroyed in the moments you were there to witness.
    llllllll When you know what’s going on, and you know what’s there, and you know how to stop it, and have the power to do it, but cannot, is the true pain which resides within me, I know what is going to happen, I know how it’s all going to play out, and when I try to change it… well…
    llllllll Let’s just say my few efforts to change the future have ended in worse ways than I or you can even imagine or want to try to think about. Two weeks of hallucinations and crapping myself tearing off the skin from my a**s so bad I required baby oil just to be able to walk, are not moments I am too fond of, and memorizing the sound was not pretty either. Ahh, the sound. The sound of my pain. The sound of liquid fish being poured into a bucket of water with a whoopee cushion in the background… these are the things you must deal with when trying to change what you know is wrong.
    llllllll I am a ticking time bomb waiting to happen, and there is going to be a point when the ticking finally stops, and the final explosion is finally administered. Though this explosion will not be the end of all as we know it, no it will be the start of the true pain that we cannot recognize. The ticking is there. You can hear it. You can feel it. You want to deny it’s existence. You want to deny truth. But it is there… the time is getting faster, the ticking is getting faster, the gap between you and your final destiny are finally coming to a close. What are you going to do?