This is the one emotion that people would never think that I could possess. This is the one thought that people think would never cross my mind.
People think that I am the one that installs it in others and that I can't or won't feel it.
They don't know how wrong they are.
There is only one thing in this world that I am absolutely terrified of.
That thing is loss.
I'm not talking about a loss of a game. That may be a blow to my pride, but I know that I can recover my pride after awhile or get over it.
The loss I talk about is that of something important to myself. To lose something that can never come back, no matter how hard you try.
The thought of ever losing my brother is enough to leave me shaken. If I ever lost him, I don't know what I would do.
Maybe that's why I threatened to kill myself during Duelist Kingdom. Without my brother, life would not be worth living.
Maybe that's why I won't let anyone get close to me. I don't want them to get hurt because of me.
If I ever lost my company, I wouldn't grieve for it. I would be mad and irritable but I wouldn't break down like I would if Mokuba was taken from me for good.
I'm scared to think of what would happen if he were killed because of me. I'm scared to think about what would happen if he were killed because I failed to protect him like I promised all those years ago.
I'm afraid that if I come to care about someone that they will be hurt by my enemies. They will be hurt because of me, because I was happy to be around them.
The people that hate me don't care about who they are hurting. They only know that the person is close to me and that is enough for them to cause harm to those I care for.
I'm am terrified to think about the things that Mokuba has to go through not just because he is my brother, but because he is someone that I love.
I'm afraid to care, afraid to love because of the thing that I fear the most. Others see that as me being cold and selfish. I see it as protecting others from what will happen if I let them in.
My pride will never allow me to tell others how I feel but someday I hope that they will be able to see it for themselves.
Maybe, if they ever come to realize my fears they will be able to understand me better.
Maybe, if I ever break past my pride I will be able to understand myself better.
I don't know when the day will come when one of these things happens, but I do know that when it does happen, maybe my fears will show to be just silly paranoia.
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