If only I would have known what would have become of my actions.
If only I would have known how many would suffer from my attempt.
I never knew that from just one suicide attempt of mine how many would follow after.
If I would have known I wouldn't have tried.
I would've sucked up all the horrible things that had become of my life, and I would've tried to get past it all.
If only someone would've told me how much my life would affect others.
If I would only have known, none of these horrible things would've happened in my small town.
The town would've stayed peaceful and calm instead of how it is now; chaotic and depressing.
I only wish some one would've told me, like I'm telling you now.
It was around 7:00 o'clock that night that my parents got the call from the hospital. The nurse who was calling was a dear friend of the family, she had dialed the number with shaky hands and had waited for them to answer with silent tears running down her cheeks. From what I've been told the conversation went something like this:
"Hello?"My mother's chipper voice sounded through the earpiece that was held to the nurse's ear.
"Sarah, there's been an accident. Claire was involved,"the nurses voice was laced with pity.
"What do you mean an accident? What kind of accident? Is she okay? Tell me that my baby girl is okay!"My mother was going hysterical at this point, and she hadn't even heard the best part. It was also utterly ridiculous that she called me her little girl, for I hadn't been her little girl in a very long time.
"Sarah, calm down. She's alive. She just..well...maybe you should come down here to see,"She thought that explaining this over the phone would be very difficult. I didn't blame her.
"Tell me, right now. I deserve to know! Patrick! Get in here now! Our daughter was in an accident!"My mother called for my father. She hoped that he would get further then she was in finding out what happened to me.
"Excuse me, who is this?"My father asked as he took the phone from my mother. His voice was calm and cool as if he wasn't actually there but somewhere else.
"It's Susan from the hospital. Your daughter, Claire, has been in an accident,"She said my name as if he had many other daughters instead of the one and only me.
"What kind of accident?"Father asked her in the same cool voice. Later my mom would tell me that his eyes conveyed no emotion as he talked to the nurse.
"She tried to take her own life,"the nurse answered with a choked sob.
"Ah,suicide,"My father said in now an annoyingly calm voice.
"We're on our way,"He added before hanging up the phone.
"Suicide?! She tried to take her life? Why?! Why would she do such a thing?!"My mother questioned my father. Afterwards, she would ask that question a lot, why. She mostly asked me or my father, sometimes even herself. She would never come up with any logical answers though.
My father merely shrugged at her question and went to get his car keys from the counter. My mother was pacing as my father came back to the living room. He sighed and shook his head, as if the way my mother was acting was unnecessary. He put on his coat and gave my mother hers. Before she would start pacing again, my father took her by the arm and led her out of the house that I had lived in all my life. They locked the door before walking to the car. Many people who were outside at that particular moment say that the look in my mother's eyes was scary. They said it was like her own life had ended because I had tried to end mine.
Once they arrived at the hospital my mother had ran out of the car and through the doors of the hospital. All the nurses knew of my suicide attempt and regarded my mother with sympathetic eyes. My mother didn't care how they regarded her, she just wanted to get into my hospital room.
"Where is she?"My mother questioned the nurse at the front desk.
The nurse checked some papers,"Room 120. They have her under watch, so nurses will be present at all times."
My ever late father showed up shortly after the nurse had told my mother the room number. He thanked the nurse before leading my mother to the room. The blinds that would allow you to look into the room were closed shut for my privacy, or so I was told. My mother went straight into the room whereas my father stood staring at the door before bothering to go in. My mother was by my side as she looked me up and down. She was looking for how I killed myself. There were no visible gun shot wounds anywhere and she knew that I would still be in surgery if I would have taken pills. That's when she saw the bruises around my neck.
"She hung herself,"My mother said quietly. She looked to my father who was standing there, watching me. He nodded as if he had already figured that much out. The nurse that was in the room to make sure I didn't off myself stared at my wrists. My mother looked from the nurse to my wrists to see that they were bandaged. A broken sob erupted from my mother as she thought about why I would do such a thing.
"What exactly did she do?"My father asked the nurse. I don't know if he was worried or just curious.
"We think she first slit her wrists before she hung herself from a tree in the woods,"The nurse answered my father. If I would have been awake I would've laughed. How other way would it have happened? Would I have hung myself then slit my wrists? It was my sick and twisted humor that would've thought of it as funny. Don't worry if you don't think it's funny. It just means you're not as twisted as I am.
My mother stared at me as she wondered why I would do something like that? I was her beautiful, popular, and smart daughter. I wasn't supposed to do things like that. She thought about where I got all of my qualities. My perfect fair skin I got from her, my platinum blonde hair was from my father, my dark blue green eyes were from my father as well, my petite build was from my mother, my other characteristics were also from my mom, but my depression? Well my mom couldn't place that one. Then again, no one would be able to place any of the cases of random depression that would erupt from my attempt of suicide.
- Title: If Only
- Artist: breathing_is_not_allowed
- Description: Hopefully I will actually finish this story unlike all the others I have started. If you are reading The Void series, I am not finished with it yet. Just taking a break. Read, comment, and rate.
- Date: 04/09/2010
- Tags: only town chaos depression suicide