"Collectors" pg. 1

• Artist: Closed Profile
• Description: This is the first page of my story. hope you like it . I'm putting the rest in my journal. Maybe post in arena later. It's my first one so im sorry if its not really good
• Date: 03/21/2009
• Tags: collectors

"Death is natural.... It's a beautiful thing, MJ. Once you die, good people like you go to Heaven where angels pamper you and you exist in harmony forever. But if you are bad, you go to Hell where demons whip you and you live in agony forever. So choose MJ. Bad or Good?"

My granny said that to me when I went to live with her. I was 5 and my parents were just killed. A Rhino escaped from the zoo and sat on them. What a frickin lovley way to die. I lived with my granny untill I was 14. Then she died. She was a smoker with the hole in her throat and one night at a restaurant, an olive was accidently shot into her throat hole. She choked to death. Let's just say I'm an expert in death. Once my granny died, I had no one. So my best friend Shanti's grandma, Mams took me in. She was the sweetest and scariest lady I ever met. So I lived there untill I became an adult. Then I moved to NYC with my band in search of fame. It didnt work out so well and so I work as a waitress in a diner. But now I'm dead....

Comments

[iikrissy_cupcakerz]

Umm, wow! Well, I think you need to work on descriptive skills. Let your reader really get into the story before you end it so abruptly. Other than that, I think the beginning was great.

[XXxxKarimaxxXX]

dunno if its meant to be funny but it is, a rhino sat on her parents, hahaha lol!! its quite good but kinda moving too fast, take some time to describe things

[Vankar]

Wow, that has no common thread at all in it. It is just spitting out information as fast as you can. Slow down, you are not on Power Thirst, or you dont have to be. Explain things a bit more instead of just shooting through the characters back story like that.

[iTeh_BraceFace]

lol rhino sat on 'em.