• 9:30am; The cursed alarm clock interrupted my slumber. Lazily, I looked around the room, seeing the many bits of proof that my life has gone completely down the toilet. Along the walls, hung old certificates of former achievements, pictures of my friends and I from months ago, and signed posters from my favorite bands; so much crap. Scattered on the floor, lay discarded clothes, T-shirts, jeans, socks, boxers, bras (Who said they were all mine?), etc. On my desk, sat the many papers that needed to be handed in to my professors next week. I looked around once more, and noticed the bold, red circle on the calendar.

    “********…” I said annoyed, “I can’t believe it’s today already...”

    I rose to my feet, and walked over to the bathroom. I stood in front of the mirror, and turned on the tap. A splash of frigid water woke me up in an instant. I decided that I’d better hurry up and get ready. I gussied myself up, not too formal though. Just the usual T-shirt and jeans. I walked quietly down the stairs, and wrote a little note so my parents knew where I was. I picked up my ipod and keys, and began my day by running for the bus.

    10:47am; The bus finally arrived, and I boarded. I felt myself feeling faint, and somewhat nostalgic. Today felt familiar, kind of like ‘De ja vu.’ I stared out the window, gazing at what was my childhood. We had passed by “Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow,” my former elementary school. Ah, the memories that come to mind when I think of that school; being pushed around, called names, belittled every day; how depressing. So many insults etched into the back of my mind. There wasn’t a day that they forgot to torture me; I loathed them for that. They weren’t just mean, they were blood-thirsty monsters that loved getting a reaction from people. They would find your ‘Achilles Heal,’ then exploit it for all it was worth. All I ever looked forward to, during recess, was the bell that told everyone it was time to go back inside. At least there, no one could say anything about me without our teacher knowing about it. It was one of the few places I ever felt safe.

    11:12am; I had gotten off the bus, and crossed the street to go to a flower shop. The selection was huge, but I knew what I had to buy. I made a large bouquet of white and red roses, and wrote a little card for it. It said: “I Don‘t Want to Live Without You…”

    As soon as I was done my purchase, I waited for another bus. Moments later, we had passed by the local park. Suddenly, I felt warm inside, it was complete and utter tranquility. It was then I realized that the park was one of my favorite places while growing up. I was 8, and I would be there for hours on end running around, playing, having fun, with her… She was the bane of my existence; the Novocain to my pain. Stephanie… The only person I cared enough about to call a friend. We’d been together since we were 6, and our parents would take us everywhere. We were inseparable. In elementary school, we’d always been seen playing together, usually ignoring those idiots making fun of us. Whenever they said something about me, she’d be the first person to stick up for me---

    ‘Keep away! Keep away! Come get your hat loser!’ A large boy taunted.

    ‘Stop it; give it back. Come on…’ I said pathetically.

    ‘What are you gonna do to stop me?’

    ‘I-I-I’ll tell on you…’

    ‘You’re such a tattletale; why’d you even come to this school anyways; no one likes you freak!’

    ‘Sh-shut up… Just leave me alone…”

    ‘ “Shut up! Leave me alone!” Quit crying you baby---’ His voice was cut off by a pebble knocking him square in the forehead.

    ‘If you don’t leave him alone, next time, I’ll use a bigger one.’ A girl said in an innocent, playful tone. At that moment, the larger boy dropped the hat, and began to run away. She picked up the hat, handed it over to me, and smiled. ‘Are you alright?’

    ‘Y-y-yes…’ I said, as my face went totally red.

    ‘You’re in my class, aren’t you? You know, you shouldn’t let them get away with how they treat you.’

    ‘I know… But what am I supposed to do?’

    ‘If you want, I’ll protect you.’ She said, as she poked my forehead and giggled.

    ‘I don’t need protection! What do I look like, a g---’

    “A girl?” She said in a fake-hurt tone. ‘That hurt.’ She said, as she turned away, trying not to laugh. ‘At least I’m not a boy who had to be saved by a girl; let’s see you make some friends now.’ She teased, trying even harder not to break out in laughter.

    ‘I-I-I’m sorry! It’s just… I don’t have any friends here… I didn’t mean to offend you…’

    She turned around, grabbed my arm, and gave a smile so sweet, you’d forget whatever it was you were arguing about. ‘If you don’t want me to be your bodyguard… Can we at least be friends?’

    ‘I… I’d like that.’ I said, trying to hide my shameful blush. I always felt safe around her.



    We had always gotten into fights. We somehow turned “debating” into a contact sport. One of us would state a small opinion, then right on cue, the other would come in, pointing out every possible contradiction. One would push the other’s shoulder slightly, and the other would just retaliate. Before you knew it, we were rolling around on the ground, until we finally hit a wall, in that case, we’d just stop and laugh. In the middle of the park, was a clock tower, kind of like the one in London, we had nick-named it “Little Ben,” just for kicks. Thing about the clock tower, it didn’t work, no matter how many times the city paid to fix it, every attempt would end up a failure. Even though Little Ben wasn’t working, it looked pretty nice, surrounded by all the trees and benches in the area. Everything in the park just added to its over-all beauty. There was this one place in the park, we’d always end up. It was this large structure that, made up of metal bars, I believe it was called the “jungle gym.” Anyways, we’d always find ourselves in the middle of the structure, away from prying eyes and distractions. It was our Safe Haven. We could always find peace and solitude there.

    11:38am; The bus broke down, and took a while to get fixed. As soon as it was towed away, I could see something across the street. “St. Augustine,” a high school, my high school. Sure, it was hard at first, but it just took some getting used to. My first subjects, were Science, Art, Math and Geography, and every class was with Stephanie. That basically made class much more interesting, and a lot less easier to concentrate. I mean seriously, if your best friend sits right next to you in a class, you’ll never get any work done. We’d done everything together in high school. If one person was sick, and away from school, the other would ditch and see if s/he was ok. In those cases, we both had to get the work we missed from other students. We made a lot of new friends in the first few weeks, because everyone had the crazy idea that we were dating. I wonder what gave them that idea?

    In most schools, there were dances where schools sold tickets to students in other schools. Steph, our friends and I would go to every second dance together, all of us usually dateless. We didn’t really care about dates, we just wanted to have fun. By the middle of the evening, we’d run out of things to talk about, and I had usually ended up asking Steph to dance. The first song we ever danced together to, was: “I knew I loved you” by Savage Garden. After the few minutes of ridicule we suffered at the hands of our friends, she’d take my hand as we walked over to the dance floor. It was hard to be nervous around her, she was usually calm, cool and collected, and didn’t mind having fun with friends. I never regretted asking her to dance, I had a feeling she’d always say yes.

    11:56am; Another bus had finally arrived to replace the one that was towed away. What a day, I did more thinking than I intended. I stared out the window of the bus, and stared at the school, still in my own little world.

    August 12th, 4 years ago, Stephanie and I were just walking in the park, talking and reminiscing about the past. It was hard to believe that we were going to be in grade 10 in just a few weeks. We spoke about how fun the last few years had been, the parties we and our friends had planed, and the school dances. It was strange, for the past few days, she seemed distant. She was always in her own little world, staring into the depths of space and wouldn’t let anyone into that thing she called a mind. I was always worried, asking her how she was, but she would always retort with ‘It’s ok, I’m fine. Trust me, would I lie to you?’ She made it impossible to pry into her life, so I let her be.

    We continued through the park; as usual, more of the city’s money had been put into fixing “Little Ben,” and even more workers had been assigned to the project. When will the realize that they’re just wasting time and money? Just as we passed the clock tower, we saw it, the jungle gym, our Safe Haven. After staring at it for a few minutes, we quickly made our way inside, and sat down in the center as if we were kids again. It was nice, shaded area, just as we remembered it. We laid down, looking up at the clouds, just thinking about what tomorrow would bring. I looked over to her; wondering what she was thinking of. Once again, she stared intently into the sky, as if her gaze was fixed on something. She was in her own world again; clueless to what was going on around her. She was so beautiful. Moments later, I found my hand pressed up against the side of her face, gently stroking her cheek.

    “W-why…?” I stammered.

    “Why what?” She said confused.

    “Why did you help me… All those years ago; why did you help me?”

    “Why wouldn’t I? You…” She paused. “You were in trouble, I couldn’t just leave you there, now could I?”

    “Yeah, you could have. Everyone else did.” I remarked, as a tear slowly slid down my cheek.

    “It’s bad enough you had to be saved by a girl, but now you’re just being pathetic!” She scoffed. “Stop crying; boys aren’t supposed to cry.” She looked away, as if she couldn’t stand to look at me. “You’ve always been such a boy…”

    “What else am I supposed to be, it’s not like I need a sex cha---”

    “No! Why can’t you just grow up? You’ve always made stupid jokes to evade reality. Take responsibility for once. Be a man!” She exclaimed.

    ‘Be a man.’ I thought. Her voice ran through my mind. All I heard, was ‘be a man, be a man’ over and over again; it was totally emasculating. What was that supposed to mean? I’ve grown up, it’s not like I’m a scrawny little boy anymore. Besides, I’ve always taken responsibility for what I’ve done. What was I missing? I glanced over to her, she was avoiding eye contact. It was a sight unlike any other. She was so radiant, so adorable, so irresistible; I just wanted to hold her. ‘Wait, did she mean--- It couldn’t be… Could it?’ I leaned in, inching closer to her face. My hand had moved down to her chin, as I slowly pulled her closer. Finally, after moments of contemplation, I made up my mind, and kissed her. At first, she was dumb-founded as to why I did what I did, but she eventually gave in, and kissed back. There we were, two best friends laying down in dirt, in the middle of a jungle gym, kissing.

    It was paradise; I held, in my arms, the young woman I adored for years. She was my heroine; not only did she save my life, but I was addicted to her. My hand slid, running through her long black hair. My breathing was tight, but I didn’t care. There I was, blissful at last; if I would have died that very moment, I would have died happy.

    Seconds later, I felt her pushing away, pulling back her arm. The next thing I new, I felt her palm crash right into the side of my face, as out lips broke from one another. We were panting, both trying to regain our senses.

    “What’s the matter with you!? Who told you to---”

    “I… I’m so sorry… I thought you wanted me to…” I stopped, ashamed of my actions.

    “Oh God…” She said, her face completely red with a look of sheer torment. “Why…? Why now?”

    “Are you really that repulsed by me?” I said, trying not to break out in tears. “Am I really that undesirable to you?

    Frantically, she responded, “N-no! It’s just… I-I have to go…”

    “Are you mad…?”

    “No, just… No, I’m not mad.” She said as she started to grab her things.

    “Do… Do you want some help with tha---”

    “No! Just leave it! I’ll do it myself!” She picked up everything, walked out in a huff, and hit her head on a metal bar.

    “Are you alright!?” I said. I began to move my hand toward her bruise, but was interrupted by her hand striking it away.

    “Just leave it! I’m going home. Just leave me alone for now… Please?” With that said, she made her way out of the park, without me.

    Time passed, and I hadn’t seen her in school for about three days after our mishap. I called her every chance I had, but she wouldn’t answer the phone. When I tried visiting, her mom either said that she was out, or just didn’t want to see anyone at the moment. Either way, I ended up disappointed.
    “I’m such an idiot! Oh God, she probably hates me… Why did I do it?” With that said, I ran. I didn’t know where to go, nor did I care. I just wanted to get out of there; away from everything; from everyone. If Stephanie didn’t want me, why should I stay? I just ran.

    By the time I ran out of breath, I stopped to look at my surroundings. My eyes widened in shock to see what could only be thought of as some cruel joke. A cool breeze blew, as the leaves began to dance; Little Ben stood tall before me, still broken, like me. I fell to my knees, trembling, and aching.

    “You hate me, don’t you God? What have I don’t to offend you so… Or do you just have fun seeing me squirm; my days being bullied, ridiculed, or even now as my heart slowly aches for the love of my best friend; is this your doing? I thought you were merciful; You’re supposed to be our savior. What God lets his people suffer? Why…? Why can’t I be happy? All I want, is to be with her… Please?” I stopped, my head hanging in defeat.

    That moment, Little Ben began to chime; I guess the government’s efforts weren’t in vein after all. I turned my attention towards the clock tower, only to see someone familiar in the distance.

    “Steph…” I muttered… “Stephanie!” I called out to her.

    She turned around slowly; tears gliding down her cheeks, with a look of complete sorrow. She seemed distraught; why was she crying? She began to move, then started to run away.

    “Stephanie! Wait, why are you running?” I called out, as I ran after her.

    “Go away!” She cried, “Just leave me alone!”

    “Steph, please! Hold on a second, would ya?

    She ignored me, and just kept on running. She hated me, that had to be it. I had eventually caught up to her, while she was waiting at the crosswalk, trying not to look back at me.

    “I… I’m moving away.” She said.

    “Moving? Why are you--- Is this because of the kiss? Look, I’m sorry, if I’d of known you were gonna be like this, I wouldn’t have done it---”

    “That’s not it! My dad got a new job in New York, and… We’re leaving by the end of the month. I don’t want to go, but what choice do I have… I have no other family in the area, and I’m still a minor, so I can’t live by myself. I honestly don’t wanna leave, I love it here. I love…” She stopped, mid-sentence, trying to collect herself.

    “Steph… It’s ok.” I said in a semi-comforting tone, “If you don’t have a choice, then…” I stopped, knowing I couldn’t lie. It wasn’t ok that she was leaving; it wasn’t ok that she wasn’t going to be around me anymore. Anything, remotely optimistic, that spewed out of my mouth, would be complete and utter bullshit.

    “You know I love you, right?” She said in a pain-stricken tone.

    “Then why did you run away?”

    “What was I supposed to do, act like everything was ok? I’m moving! What happens if we do get together, we’d just be separated if a few weeks. Then what; go on with my life, knowing I hurt someone I really care about? Why can’t you think things through for once?” She cried.

    “So then, you weren’t mad?” I said jokingly.

    “Are you nuts? When have I ever been mad at you for more than an hour?” She paused. There was a gleam in her eyes, it was so innocent; so understanding, yet they reflected nothing but a sense of torment. “I never thought I’d have to tell you like this. I always thought that you’d be the one to profess your undying love for me.”

    “Why don’t you just stay with me, I’m sure my family won’t mind.” I debated.

    “My parents would never allow it. Besides, what would everyone think if they found out we were living together?”

    “Screw them; screw them all! I don’t care what they think, why should you?”

    “Damn it, stop it already! You always do this to me, you always put me in a position I don’t want to be in. I can’t… I can’t defy my parents anymore. I love you, but we can’t be together. I’m leaving, and that’s that.”

    “But---”

    “No buts! We have about two more weeks together, why not just enjoy them; as friends?”

    “Because I don’t just want to be your friend! I’m always the ‘friend’, but what about what I want for once?” I said.

    “Stop thinking about yourself! Are you really willing to put us through this; giving ourselves a taste of something we’ll never be able to have. I love the idea of being with you, but it hurts knowing that it won’t last for long. Please, just be my friend again, will ya?”

    She held out her hand, trying to put on a smile. I looked away, pushing her hand away from me. She turned away, trying to save face.

    “I… I can’t live without you hun.” She cried, trying to mask her sobs.

    -Screech-
    The light was green, and she began to cross. My friend was leaving me.
    -Vroom-
    A tear slid down my face. I felt alone.
    “Look out!”
    I looked up…
    -Crash-
    …Only to see Stephanie flying 6 feet into the air, then crashing into the concrete, as a black BMW crashed into a telephone pole.

    “S-S-Steph…?” My eyes widened in horror, still phased by the event I had just witnessed.

    I ran to her, gripping her in my arms. I ran my hand through her hair, moving the bits that were covering her face; her eyes were closed. I slid my hand behind her back, as I pulled her closer; she felt soft. She was so limp, as if her bones were all shattered. She wouldn’t move.

    “Steph…? Stephanie?” I cried. “Ha-ha… Joke’s over, you can get up now. Please…? Please wake up… Steph…? We can be friends again, and we can forget about this whole mess! Oh God… Please, wake up Steph, I‘m sorry!”

    I cried as I held her motionless body in my arms. People crowded around, staring at my hopeless attempts to revive her. I tried CPR; anything I could think of. The crowd seemed to be inching closer and closer.

    “Get away! Get the Hell away!“ I cried. “Give her space!“

    The crowd began to retreat, while others tried to pull me away. The more they tugged, the more I resisted. I wasn’t going to let her go; not yet, not after I finally told her the truth. Even after the ambulance had arrived, I grasped on to her tightly, still grieving, still a mess. She was gone; I felt all alone again, just like in elementary. A breeze suddenly blew across my cheek, as the silence grew louder. No one knew how I felt; my heart was savagely ripped into pieces.

    12:00 noon; The bus stopped at the station, and I made my way down the stairs to wait for a train. I had always known my life was a wreck, I had just forgotten how painful it was. People say that everyone has a skeleton in their closet, yet in my case, it seemed more like a graveyard. At that moment, the P.A. system started to play some song. The beginning was soft and reminiscent, it made me feel different, in a familiar sort of way. It sounded a lot like the type of song someone would slow-dance to. Normally I would feel calmer by listening to the light melody, but I just can’t help but think about Stephanie, I was too tormented to be soothed.

    So there I was, August 15th, 4 years later; on my way to visit her again. There I stood, waiting for the train that would take me to the best friend I ever had. There I sulked, going to apologize once more. Who would have thought apologizing would seem rather depressing? I took a step forward to see if the train was coming; nothing.

    I stared at my watch, looking at the minute hand fly by; still without a train in sight. I took another step forward, but felt my foot on the edge. I slipped, and fell forward onto the tracks. Seconds later, I came to. I sat up, only to see two bright lights charging my way. There was no escaping them. I looked up once more, and smiled.

    “I’m coming…”

    Fin

    ~Giovanni Fukai~