- by Lollipop x L u x u r y |
- Comics
- | Submitted on 08/02/2009 |
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- Title: --No title--
- Artist: Lollipop x L u x u r y
- Description: Here's part of Chapter One. I need y'all guys to tell me how it's starting out, if it's okie or not. C: And this is a Sci-fi/Robert Jordan/Eragon/Fantasy sort of thing, if you didn't get it. <3
- Date: 08/02/2009
- Tags: fantasy
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Comments (4 Comments)
- Purple-shoes616 - 08/05/2009
- One more thing, when you're describing characters, you seem to tend to do it too much at once. This obliderates any subtlety from the piece and really tells us more than we want to know at the time
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- Purple-shoes616 - 08/05/2009
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I would try to cut some of the fluff out of it.
I would edit and combine paragrpaghs 5 and 6 - Report As Spam
- Purple-shoes616 - 08/05/2009
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Grammar mistakes and misspellings.
In the beginning you keep mentioning the wave, and its good to remain ambiguous, butnyou need to establish a little of what "The Wave" means before it carries the kind of ominous gravity you're shootin for. - Report As Spam
- Purple-shoes616 - 08/05/2009
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I'm commenting as I read it so if a problem with it is fixed later then...sorry
The first paragraph is very descriptive and sets a good scene but its a little fluffy and nothing is really established in it. I would try to edit/combine the first two paragraphs together. - Report As Spam
