- by gaaras and milk |
- Comics
- | Submitted on 10/13/2008 |
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- Title: Penelope's Locket
- Artist: gaaras and milk
- Description: This is a short story I wrote for an English assignment. It's pretty short because it had to be within 2,000 words. xP But, I thought it was okay, but I'd like to know what you guys think of it. It's a pretty simple story to follow. Leave comments please! I'm always looking to become a better writer!
- Date: 10/13/2008
- Tags: penelopes locket
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Comments (7 Comments)
- rokkid900 - 09/11/2010
- i am incredibly confused.......which means it was incredibly awsome
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- gaaras and milk - 10/14/2008
- REMEMBER TO LEAVE COMMENTS PWEEEZ~!
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- gaaras and milk - 10/14/2008
- thanks so much. I'll be editing this a little! xD
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- Soaring Raptor - 10/13/2008
-
The last specific thing I had to ask myself was how "I never put the locket in her purse" is a confession. It could be taken to mean all sorts of things- most logically, he never handled the locket. It would be more sensible if it read something along the lines of "When I took the locket, I didn't go anywhere near her!"
And, if you felt like it, it would be worth noting that the locket is evidence, and would be held as such.
You're a great writer. Hope to see more! - Report As Spam
- Soaring Raptor - 10/13/2008
- . It would read a little more naturally if you just used his first name. Another thing is you switch around the titles used on both main characters. This isn't a bad thing, and can be used to your advantage, but maybe it would be fun if the detective referred to the Mayor as Morris as the interrogation proceeded. After all, as one loses their cool, they won't be acting very mayorly.
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- Soaring Raptor - 10/13/2008
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Go to your paragraph style in word and select single spacing x3
Alright: Your premise was decent and unique. The plot itself was gripping, but your prose was somewhat repetetive. To indicate shouting, you used capital letters- a big no-no in my book. An exclamation point is better suited, along with a descriptive term accompanying the quote, such as "shouted", or "seethed".
A more specific criticism is how you refer to Morris by his full name right after introducing him. (p. 1) - Report As Spam
- fire wolf1234 - 10/13/2008
- DAT WAS DE AWESOMEST MOST AWESOME STORY EVER!!!!! I was all like "OMG!!! HE STOLE IT!!!! HOW DARE HE!!!!!!" then I just laughed about it cause they elected him for president.
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